Moxified Living

It's always great to work with creative, fun people and Kate Fagervik embodies creative fun and MOXY! I can't wait to visit her new retail art space in Enderby, Imaginarium and am proud to be part of her feminist group. Best of all was Kate asking me to release my writer again. I keep forgetting how much I disappear into my zone when I write. Time stretches and I blend into it to a certain degree as I meld with what is flowing around in my brain.

Here's what I created for her readers and co-creators - a great group of people!

Reflections from a Mama Bear

Backsliding

OK, I've been a bad girl! Carbs, wine, beer, chocolate, lazing about and avoiding workouts. A whole week of being quite lazy and for no good reason, other than I'm falling back into bad habits of being passive because taking action is scary.

I walked across the stage and received my Masters Degree at UBC on Thursday. It was a very satisfying moment. The trip down was a royal pain in the ass, with sick croupy daughter and 4 guys who totally didn't get that I just wanted to go for a run on the Seawall. I almost wanted to ditch grad just to do that. Instead, I got stuck in a hotel room. Doing nothing. God-damn I hate my family
sometimes.

I have a new job - District Coordinator for Planning 10. It could be a thankless job or I could make it into something positive. The question is how to make peace with all the very disgruntled people involved.  I get to take a course in assertiveness training at the Justice Institute and I'm looking forward to that. I'll also be applying for VP jobs, so we'll see what comes of that as well.

At least I got to do a bike ride today....

Running towards or away?

I've started working towards a new goal! I'll be running two half marathons in the fall. The Kelowna 1/2 and the Las Vegas 1/2. I was tired and feeling sick when I headed out this morning (Mothers' Day, too!) to meet the group I'll be training with and waited a little nervously for the pep talk to be finished so we could head out. I didn't know what distance we'd be running or what the intervals were going to be, so I was relieved when we were told it was 12 k starting with 8/2 and then switching to 8.5/1.5. I knew I could handle that, even if I wasn't feeling 100%. I wasn't sure if it was leftover from crappy eating during my rest week or whether I've started to come down with the virus the rest of the family has had, but as I set out, the sore throat, tight chest and slightly achy body feelings disappeared and my run legs settled under me. Breathing was good and it just felt so good to move after a week's rest. It was warm and windy, but running the Three Bridges Run was awesome! It was the first time I've run it instead of cycling it and it was fine! I got back to our start point, stretched with the group, then headed for quiet, solo CWT in the river. It was a nice end to the first of what will be an interesting journey. I was head-achy when I got home, but coffee and Tylenol have solved that and my energy is coming back a little, but I'm still dragging butt. I think part of it is viral and the other part is emotional. Lots going on in my head!

Having started checking out running blogs, I came across the mention of a number of Disney runs. I have to admit that a great big part of me wants to do both the Tinkerbell 1/2 (or 10K) and the Princess 1/2. How demented am I to want to run with wings or some princess get-up. I dislike all the stuff that Disney represents in terms of objectification of women, yet running is so counter intuitive. Women conquered the prejudice against women running distance nearly 40 years ago, so taking back some of the whimsy and fun also seems like a great idea. Part of me still wants to play pretend and my darling daughter just isn't there, yet. My need for escape (wings, etc.) is growing rather than diminishing. Lately my dreams (and daydreams) are all about running away from everything. It feels like everything is confining me. Work, kids, husband, family, pets, community.... I want it all to go away. I pretty much have the life I was building towards (except I live in a crappy house, in a crappy neighbourhood with big ugly motorhome and a ton of trash in the carport). Gratitude is hard to come by at the moment,except for my kids. It's a struggle to come home at the end of the day. I've been using work and working out as my reason to delay as long as possible, but that's only going to work until the end of the school year. At that point, I could be completely screwed because I'll have a whole summer with house, husband and kids and nothing else to do. I better figure this shit out quickly or I'm going to snap over the summer.

Unfortunately, Tinker Bell's pixie dust isn't going to let me fly away to Neverland.

Wisdom?

Must wisdom be acquired through pain? I wonder. Lately, my thoughts have wandered to my personal short comings. (No pun intended.) How I view my life and my relationships is the issue. Am I seeing things clearly? Certainly, I see things with my own life experiences filtering everything.  Everything seems to be very pointed right now, but perhaps this is because I have finished a major undertaking that has consumed me and I'm seeing things without that filter over-riding all.
The only piece that keeps me uncertain about my personal direction is that I've been thinking about relationship things for well over two years.

When I look at my personal writing over that length of time (and beyond), I've been trying to figure out what is wrong with me, what's wrong with the relationship. I've tried gratitude journalling, I've tried looking for the good in situations. I've tried to see what it is in me that has changed so drastically or what it is that is colouring my perceptions.
I've tried counselling with limited success. I've had good success with fitness and diet, although it's been pointed out to me that perhaps this is my newest avoidance tactic. Emotional eating, focusing on the children and focusing on serving the community were my outs before. In the last 3 years, it's been working on the masters. In the last year and a half, it's been working out and changing my understanding of myself and food. Is this avoidance or good health?

I realized in the year before I turned 50 that life was rapidly passing. There were so many things I had put on the back burner. I really began thinking about bucket lists and quality of life.  Things have been very "me" focused, but for so many years, life has been focused on everyone else. I'm sure there is a balance here, but I'm struggling to find it.

Is this wisdom, knowing that balance is precarious at best? Is life supposed to be lived on the edge of the razor? I want a beautiful home (clean, lovely colours,  nice finishing and furnishings, bright and airy), a good relationship with my children (balancing fun and firmness, ensuring their health and safety), a strong relationship with a partner who is on a path of self-actualization and health, personal financial stability and the opportunity to engage in the things I enjoy in life. Surprisingly, determining the things that I personally enjoy is difficult. I feel guilty for enjoying the things I've liked. Everything is always too expensive or too time-consuming - at least, that's what I've interpreted from comments and associated guilt.

So - am I too demanding? Too greedy? Too unobservant of the needs of others? Too selfish? Am I too emotionally unavailable (wearing a mask of openness while really keeping myself hidden)? Am I too unpredictable in how I react to the children's behaviour? Am I too emotional -period? Too loud?  Too angry?  I have thought these things or been told these things many times in the years since Mark and I got together. I am incredibly imperfect. I try to be forgiving of myself for these things and improve, but I never feel like I am good enough.
In The Four Agreements,  Don Ruiz says, "Even the opinions you have about yourself are not necessarily true; therefore you don't need to take whatever you hear in your own mind personally."   It is hard to let go of the personal judgments, even of myself. My goal for the next little while will be to do my best to live in the present moment. Perhaps the pain will be less.

Confusion and Celebration/Doors open and Doors close

I'm sitting on the ferry again - only a little over a month since the last time - getting ready to run a 10 k with my brother. I'm looking forward to the running and some bike riding. I'm also celebrating. My Masters degree is officially completed. My grades are posted and my ETEC 590 Capstone e-portfolio is complete and passed. I'll cross the stage in May and receive my MET!
You would think that this would wrap things up so neatly - new possibilities for my career. A new accomplishment in my life to be proud of! I do celebrate these things, but so much is also seriously messed up in my life.
I've never been more confused and distressed in my relationship. The last time I went through this kind of emotional upheaval, I would have been in my late 20's/early 30's when I finally decided I should just give up on men altogether and live a personally fulfilling single life. I'd been through two rather awful relationships and felt used and disgusted with myself for being so incredibly stupid.
So, what do I need to learn here? My big questions are whether to continue in my school or begin looking at administration or even whether to consider looking outside the education field. The other question is about my marriage. It's time to see a marriage counsellor or call it quits, because I can't keep going like this. I'm too confused and too unhappy with the status quo. I've changed and our relationship hasn't. I get that Mark is in pain, but perhaps this year of misery is his own body telling him that something is really wrong in his life, too.
Either way, we need help if we're going to figure out how to fix it or end it.

Decision time?

I must take responsibility for my own feelings and needs. That means being brave enough to risk rejection. My parents' inability to express their love unless I was a good girl or smart and their own inability to trust each other enough to fight or ask for what they needed will not be my legacy to my children. I need to fix my relationship pattern or end this relationship .

Finished

It is officially done. I have completed all but the most minor of assignments (two video reviews) for my Masters degree. It has been a strange week. I have been emotionally all over the map. I don't know what to do with myself. There are no critical deadlines hanging over my head. (Aside from work responsibilities.) It's like I've been let off a leash and I'm so trained to do a certain thing that I don't consider what my freedoms are. Colleagues and friends who have done this before me assure me this will pass fairly quickly. It reminds me of one of my favourite picture books - Grasper by Paul Owen. Grasper is a small crab who upon moulting for the first time escapes his small world and discover the wide world where he meets a mentor (a much larger crab) who tells him that he must have a soft heart to grow big - that it's dangerous, but he won't grow otherwise. I feel open and like I've shed my shell and I'm a little tingly at the possibilities. Today as I looked through Goodreads and tried to catch up on listing the books I've read, I came across a workshop run by Gail Dargatz-Anderson - one of my favourite authors - for this May. It's all about writing a novel....maybe it's time :) Having her as a mentor would be amazing.