High functioning depression

I admitted to a good friend about a month ago that I've likely been living with depression for the last year and a half. It's been a tough go. Based on what I'm reading and not an actual diagnosis, I think this would be high functioning depression. I go to work, I can be cheerful and present in that place. I can even be cheerful and manage with my children because I don't want them to ever feel I'm not there for them. However.....

I've returned to eating to soothe emotion.

I've stopped every fitness thing I've ever done.

When I drink (rare) it's not to enjoy a delicious wine, but to relieve emotions. 

My numbing agents continue to be food and books and technology.

I mask.

I hide.

My negative self-talk was out of control.

I could see very little brightness in my future - only unremitting sameness without joy.

I've felt very alone.

It's starting to change for the better, but I don't think I could tell you why. Perhaps my hormones have shifted again. Perhaps the chemical imbalance in my body is better. I have not talked with my doctor about this, although that's coming next week because I don't want to continue like this anymore.

There's a glimmer of brightness again. I have much work to do, though, to return to what I would consider normal. I need to move again.  I need to find fun again. (Because honestly there has been no fun in my life for well over a year. I have not felt joy in anything I've done. I think I may have done a damn fine job fooling people that I was having a good time, but inside I've felt completely hollow and empty.)

Baby steps forward.

Love, Value, and Business

Yesterday, I picked up a box from Loomis. I was going to have to pay $22.95 in extra fees for this lovely box, so I wasn't in a hurry to get it. In some ways, I almost wanted to leave it, but I had ordered this item and knew that to bring it to full cycle, I needed to get it.

The plain brown box enclosed a very lovely, weighty day planner from Danielle LaPorte. I love Danielle's writings and most of her products. I purchased a planner last year and have used it regularly, although it was one of the less expensive ones. This year, I decided to order a daily planner with the black cover. It's beautiful. The weight means it will sit nicely on my desk. The pages are large and well laid out. The paper feels good and the fonts are easy to read. The month calendars are large enough to see multiple daily entries. The daily calendar pages allow for lots of writing and thinking and planning. That being said, with the American pricing, the shipping and then the extra costs of sending an American item over the border through a private shipper, this planner cost me nearly $100. 

I won't do that again. Period. Danielle lives in Vancouver - not 5 hours from the city I live in. Her work is powerful, but this is just a pretty thing. I can use that money for other, more empowering, local learning. I can design and print off my own pretty planners and it will cost significantly less than $100. I'm satisfied knowing that I've supported Danielle and her family and given her the value that she deems this work to have. I don't agree that it's worth that much and as a result I won't pay it again.

I think the thing that I find interesting is that, as an educator, I have some discretionary money to put towards beautiful things for myself, but I'm not wealthy (of course, that's privilege speaking....) and choose to manage my money carefully to the best benefit of my family and myself. While organizing myself if important to me and doing it beautifully is a bonus, That's a significant cost compared to 98% of organizers. I wonder who Danielle's market is?  I don't fully know, but obviously I'm part of her demographic because I bought one.  I would continue to be part of her demographic if I knew I could purchase this in Canada at Canadian prices without the horrendous conversion to American dollars and the added duty. Ah well, not a big enough self-improvement market in Canada, I guess. It's been an interesting lesson.

Love you Danielle, love the organizer, and love myself not to buy it again, unless something changes.

Grieving

To make room for something that is true and beautiful and meant for you, you have to let go of what no longer serves you.  This may mean completely burying something and walking away or it may mean radical forgiveness. It has to die inside you though, and that is painful.

Detachment with Love

Letting go of expectations and assumptions is tough. I'm in the midst of probably the most difficult personal work I've ever done. I'm trying to determine what my core needs are, live in the present and not attach any outcomes. I've prayed for the way to be made obvious to me and I'm trusting the Divine to lead me to the best life of purpose for making the world a better place.

I read today that fear indicates that you're getting close to truth. I'm certainly more aware of fear and of my emotional states than I've ever been before. I'm struggling with relationships of all kinds because I'm trying to learn why I get triggered by certain things and I'm also trying to truly love myself and be generous with myself. I've come to realize that not only am I incredibly hard on myself, I learned early on in childhood that I had to earn love. It wasn't automatic. It was dependent on behaviour. It was dependent on how entertaining I was and how well-behaved I was and how smart I was and how attractive I was. It was also very dependent on how compliant I was. The more challenging I was with my mother, the less affection I received. This is true of my father, too, although that changed somewhat when I became older.

What I'm trying to learn now is why I believe I'm not ok unless I'm in a relationship. I also have to figure out why I need attention from someone significant in my life. Why I need to be emotionally engaged with someone. I don't think I'm emotionally unavailable, but apparently this is the type of person I seem to attract. If relationships are reflections, then when and how am I emotionally unavailable. Is my fear of being rejected keeping me from sharing the truth of my self and even what I desire from those I am in relationship with. Even writing that makes my eyes well up with tears. What am I afraid of? Rejection? I get plenty of that? Someone being too close and then rejecting me? I've lived through that, too. I survived. It took a long time to heal, but I was able to move on. I even think I finally was able to forgive myself and the people who hurt me.

My 2016 intention is to heal and come to peace with my shadow, to be honest and vulnerable with my loves. and to live a big, juicy life!

The tragedy and fear of Jessica's death

As I scrolled through my Facebook feed this afternoon, I came across a post about the death of a young woman in Calgary. Jessica had Down Syndrome and her death had been ruled a homicide at the hands of her mother, who is also now deceased. While I can only speculate based on the reporter's account, it appears that Jessica's mom, dying of pancreatic cancer came to the heart-breaking conclusion that her daughter should die before her. She fed Jessica a fatal concoction of drugs and watched her die, then phoned police and was taken to the hospital herself. Now, I supposed that it is possible that in her weakened state, Jessica's mom did this accidentally, without intending Jessica any harm. It is strange that Jessica's father was unaware of what was happening.  It is all just so incredibly sad. Jessica's mom was just in her 50's and I think this is why this is resonating with me.

I know that I would not be worried for Catie's future, if I were faced with terminal cancer. Mark is an awesome father and involved in all the decisions around Catie's education, health and future. I know that it would be challenging for him to be a single parent, but I also know he could do it and be amazing in supporting her. How awful to feel that there were no options to have a child live a successful life with support from family. I couldn't even imagine making that decision or watching my child die.

My prayers go out to Jessica's family for healing and peace. To have both mother/wife and sister/daughter die in these circumstances is almost beyond bearing.

You can choose peace, but is expressing a sentiment always aggression?

A friend who spent a great deal of time organizing an event out of country is mad at me. At a celebration organized for after a group accomplishment, I posted to Facebook how disappointed I was with the place we held the celebration. We'd been there before & it was fun and awesome. This time, it was flat from my point of view. It had nothing to do with the event organizer - clearly beyond her control and I clearly stated in the post that the company was awesome. Food & music -not so much. I've organized events for much larger groups and taken much greater flack. I can understand her being somewhat upset, but her comment that I should complain to her and not on Facebook seems a little extreme. Through Facebook, the company can see the feedback and address the problem for all patrons. Others posted they had a good time & I think I was clear it had nothing to do with the organizer. I can understand that she thinks it reflects on her ability to organize and somehow think it will impact her business. Unlikely, given the stories coming back from the trip.

Buried grief

After midnight and I'm still not asleep. The question that keeps running around my brain is simply why, if I'm "precious", am I no longer worth communicating with? I can only go with the guess that my suppositions were right and the courage to be clear wasn't there.
I'm sure sleep will come, but it may be a while.