Wisdom?

Must wisdom be acquired through pain? I wonder. Lately, my thoughts have wandered to my personal short comings. (No pun intended.) How I view my life and my relationships is the issue. Am I seeing things clearly? Certainly, I see things with my own life experiences filtering everything.  Everything seems to be very pointed right now, but perhaps this is because I have finished a major undertaking that has consumed me and I'm seeing things without that filter over-riding all.
The only piece that keeps me uncertain about my personal direction is that I've been thinking about relationship things for well over two years.

When I look at my personal writing over that length of time (and beyond), I've been trying to figure out what is wrong with me, what's wrong with the relationship. I've tried gratitude journalling, I've tried looking for the good in situations. I've tried to see what it is in me that has changed so drastically or what it is that is colouring my perceptions.
I've tried counselling with limited success. I've had good success with fitness and diet, although it's been pointed out to me that perhaps this is my newest avoidance tactic. Emotional eating, focusing on the children and focusing on serving the community were my outs before. In the last 3 years, it's been working on the masters. In the last year and a half, it's been working out and changing my understanding of myself and food. Is this avoidance or good health?

I realized in the year before I turned 50 that life was rapidly passing. There were so many things I had put on the back burner. I really began thinking about bucket lists and quality of life.  Things have been very "me" focused, but for so many years, life has been focused on everyone else. I'm sure there is a balance here, but I'm struggling to find it.

Is this wisdom, knowing that balance is precarious at best? Is life supposed to be lived on the edge of the razor? I want a beautiful home (clean, lovely colours,  nice finishing and furnishings, bright and airy), a good relationship with my children (balancing fun and firmness, ensuring their health and safety), a strong relationship with a partner who is on a path of self-actualization and health, personal financial stability and the opportunity to engage in the things I enjoy in life. Surprisingly, determining the things that I personally enjoy is difficult. I feel guilty for enjoying the things I've liked. Everything is always too expensive or too time-consuming - at least, that's what I've interpreted from comments and associated guilt.

So - am I too demanding? Too greedy? Too unobservant of the needs of others? Too selfish? Am I too emotionally unavailable (wearing a mask of openness while really keeping myself hidden)? Am I too unpredictable in how I react to the children's behaviour? Am I too emotional -period? Too loud?  Too angry?  I have thought these things or been told these things many times in the years since Mark and I got together. I am incredibly imperfect. I try to be forgiving of myself for these things and improve, but I never feel like I am good enough.
In The Four Agreements,  Don Ruiz says, "Even the opinions you have about yourself are not necessarily true; therefore you don't need to take whatever you hear in your own mind personally."   It is hard to let go of the personal judgments, even of myself. My goal for the next little while will be to do my best to live in the present moment. Perhaps the pain will be less.

Confusion and Celebration/Doors open and Doors close

I'm sitting on the ferry again - only a little over a month since the last time - getting ready to run a 10 k with my brother. I'm looking forward to the running and some bike riding. I'm also celebrating. My Masters degree is officially completed. My grades are posted and my ETEC 590 Capstone e-portfolio is complete and passed. I'll cross the stage in May and receive my MET!
You would think that this would wrap things up so neatly - new possibilities for my career. A new accomplishment in my life to be proud of! I do celebrate these things, but so much is also seriously messed up in my life.
I've never been more confused and distressed in my relationship. The last time I went through this kind of emotional upheaval, I would have been in my late 20's/early 30's when I finally decided I should just give up on men altogether and live a personally fulfilling single life. I'd been through two rather awful relationships and felt used and disgusted with myself for being so incredibly stupid.
So, what do I need to learn here? My big questions are whether to continue in my school or begin looking at administration or even whether to consider looking outside the education field. The other question is about my marriage. It's time to see a marriage counsellor or call it quits, because I can't keep going like this. I'm too confused and too unhappy with the status quo. I've changed and our relationship hasn't. I get that Mark is in pain, but perhaps this year of misery is his own body telling him that something is really wrong in his life, too.
Either way, we need help if we're going to figure out how to fix it or end it.

Decision time?

I must take responsibility for my own feelings and needs. That means being brave enough to risk rejection. My parents' inability to express their love unless I was a good girl or smart and their own inability to trust each other enough to fight or ask for what they needed will not be my legacy to my children. I need to fix my relationship pattern or end this relationship .

Finished

It is officially done. I have completed all but the most minor of assignments (two video reviews) for my Masters degree. It has been a strange week. I have been emotionally all over the map. I don't know what to do with myself. There are no critical deadlines hanging over my head. (Aside from work responsibilities.) It's like I've been let off a leash and I'm so trained to do a certain thing that I don't consider what my freedoms are. Colleagues and friends who have done this before me assure me this will pass fairly quickly. It reminds me of one of my favourite picture books - Grasper by Paul Owen. Grasper is a small crab who upon moulting for the first time escapes his small world and discover the wide world where he meets a mentor (a much larger crab) who tells him that he must have a soft heart to grow big - that it's dangerous, but he won't grow otherwise. I feel open and like I've shed my shell and I'm a little tingly at the possibilities. Today as I looked through Goodreads and tried to catch up on listing the books I've read, I came across a workshop run by Gail Dargatz-Anderson - one of my favourite authors - for this May. It's all about writing a novel....maybe it's time :) Having her as a mentor would be amazing.