Is it possible to totally misread what you think is a personal breakthrough? When you have an "aha" moment, then second guess your interpretation? I wonder. The other day, I felt all "aha" about why I've been feeling so blue. It's not midlife crisis....well, yes it is, but beyond that,  I realized that the reason I've been particularly gobsmacked is that I (and here's where things get dicey) wasn't "pursued" by my significant other. I pretty much fell into his lap. He invited me to camp, we made out, we've been together since. We'd been friends (one he definitely did not want to go out with because of a long-standing policy about dating friends' exes) for nearly a year. He definitely didn't want to get married or have kids. Here he is, nearly 20 years later,  stuck with me and kids and career and mortgages and no freedom. His marriage proposal was to suggest we rent a hall. His engagement gift was an Ikea chair. OK, admittedly I asked for a chair. I wanted someplace to sit and read. He understands that when I read, I mentally disappear. I haven't been able to sit and read and mentally disappear for so long, I wonder how I keep my job as a teacher librarian.

So, aside for feeling sorry for myself and wanting a man to want me passionately and pursue me because I am the woman of his dreams and desires, I wonder if I'm just remembering selectively. I mean, he obviously married me. He didn't run away screaming. He could have high-tailed it at any point. He's a good guy. He's still here despite my significant mood swings of late. He loves our kids. He cooks. He cleans - sometimes. He uh-huhs occasionally when I talk to him about stuff. He looks after the kids while I go out and run or bike or whatever I need to do to stay physically active and sane.

I guess, I wonder if that's it. I sat with him through a really nice dinner and a hockey game. It was nice. We hugged & kissed a little. I kept wondering if I could go home & go to sleep or sneak out and find a good party somewhere. Weird extremes, huh? That's my head these days. I want some external validation that I'm beautiful and desireable. I want to be seduced. I want to be courted. I want someone else to clean the toilets. I want to go to an interesting movie or play or symphony and talk about it afterwards over a glass of wine or a cup of good coffee. I want to go dancing and feel sexy with someone on the dance floor.

I don't want to feel like I have to do things quietly. I don't want to walk into a room where everyone is watching a screen and could care less what anyone else in the room is doing. I don't want to go to "mindless land" for 48 weeks of the year and only live for 4 weeks in the summer. I actually want to have someone to live life with me instead of living through a TV or a computer. I'm trying to exist outside this screen. Hopefully, I'll be able to either convince my family to join me or I'll have to make changes, because I don't think I can live this way much longer.

Hugh Chevallier CC

Spring is coming and despite the horrendous situation politically for educators in British Columbia, (boo Christy Clark, George Abbott & BC Liberals) my mood is light and positive. I could smell the warming earth this morning & all I could think about was how good it would feel to get my hands into soil, plant some peas and pansies and go for a run tomorrow.

I'm so lucky! My health is good. My children are happy & healthy. The petty annoyances are just not worth sweating about right now. I'm even learning to enjoy doing dishes by hand again. (Time to meditate on things in peace because no one wants to help with dishes.) If we can survive the Liberal attack on our jobs, it should be a good spring & summer. I'm trying to put the long-term consequences out of my mind and focus on the immediate, but it's challenging. Breathe in, breathe out. Go for a run or a workout. Finish the paper that's due soon & finish the marking. Garden and remember that in the long run, it's relationships that make life worthwhile and remembering to laugh and celebrate what milestones you can!

Undertow, beaten down or flow?

The last 24 hours has felt overwhelming. Too much to take in, too much to do, just too....
Fortunately, I have wonderful friends and colleagues who remind me to look after myself. I will do that exact thing and try to regroup.

It's been such an amazing time in my life. The last 5 months have reminded me to live fully again. To rediscover the things that help me feel joy has been such a blessing. Rediscovery comes at a price, though. Things are not perfect. Change leads to friction when you are no longer the person you once were. The most surprising thing is to discover that the journey you thought you were on is headed in a different direction than you originally anticipated.

Now, I've had some pretty significant changes over my life. Pregnancy at 16 changes how you view your body, relationships and ultimately your sense of self. It was definitely a sense of drowning and the rising to the surface again - many years later. It took me so long to sort out who I was and that I didn't need to be with a partner to define my value. Once I realized that, I was able to meet someone very solid and compatable. At least, I thought I had done that. It's so weird to think that 19 years later, I still was totally living my life for someone else - again. I have to learn how to negotiate that balance of being myself and having things that are important to me while supporting someone I love.  The undertow is so tempting to float along with - it's easier - but it's time to swim.