Is it possible to totally misread what you think is a personal breakthrough? When you have an "aha" moment, then second guess your interpretation? I wonder. The other day, I felt all "aha" about why I've been feeling so blue. It's not midlife crisis....well, yes it is, but beyond that,  I realized that the reason I've been particularly gobsmacked is that I (and here's where things get dicey) wasn't "pursued" by my significant other. I pretty much fell into his lap. He invited me to camp, we made out, we've been together since. We'd been friends (one he definitely did not want to go out with because of a long-standing policy about dating friends' exes) for nearly a year. He definitely didn't want to get married or have kids. Here he is, nearly 20 years later,  stuck with me and kids and career and mortgages and no freedom. His marriage proposal was to suggest we rent a hall. His engagement gift was an Ikea chair. OK, admittedly I asked for a chair. I wanted someplace to sit and read. He understands that when I read, I mentally disappear. I haven't been able to sit and read and mentally disappear for so long, I wonder how I keep my job as a teacher librarian.

So, aside for feeling sorry for myself and wanting a man to want me passionately and pursue me because I am the woman of his dreams and desires, I wonder if I'm just remembering selectively. I mean, he obviously married me. He didn't run away screaming. He could have high-tailed it at any point. He's a good guy. He's still here despite my significant mood swings of late. He loves our kids. He cooks. He cleans - sometimes. He uh-huhs occasionally when I talk to him about stuff. He looks after the kids while I go out and run or bike or whatever I need to do to stay physically active and sane.

I guess, I wonder if that's it. I sat with him through a really nice dinner and a hockey game. It was nice. We hugged & kissed a little. I kept wondering if I could go home & go to sleep or sneak out and find a good party somewhere. Weird extremes, huh? That's my head these days. I want some external validation that I'm beautiful and desireable. I want to be seduced. I want to be courted. I want someone else to clean the toilets. I want to go to an interesting movie or play or symphony and talk about it afterwards over a glass of wine or a cup of good coffee. I want to go dancing and feel sexy with someone on the dance floor.

I don't want to feel like I have to do things quietly. I don't want to walk into a room where everyone is watching a screen and could care less what anyone else in the room is doing. I don't want to go to "mindless land" for 48 weeks of the year and only live for 4 weeks in the summer. I actually want to have someone to live life with me instead of living through a TV or a computer. I'm trying to exist outside this screen. Hopefully, I'll be able to either convince my family to join me or I'll have to make changes, because I don't think I can live this way much longer.