Detachment with Love

Letting go of expectations and assumptions is tough. I'm in the midst of probably the most difficult personal work I've ever done. I'm trying to determine what my core needs are, live in the present and not attach any outcomes. I've prayed for the way to be made obvious to me and I'm trusting the Divine to lead me to the best life of purpose for making the world a better place.

I read today that fear indicates that you're getting close to truth. I'm certainly more aware of fear and of my emotional states than I've ever been before. I'm struggling with relationships of all kinds because I'm trying to learn why I get triggered by certain things and I'm also trying to truly love myself and be generous with myself. I've come to realize that not only am I incredibly hard on myself, I learned early on in childhood that I had to earn love. It wasn't automatic. It was dependent on behaviour. It was dependent on how entertaining I was and how well-behaved I was and how smart I was and how attractive I was. It was also very dependent on how compliant I was. The more challenging I was with my mother, the less affection I received. This is true of my father, too, although that changed somewhat when I became older.

What I'm trying to learn now is why I believe I'm not ok unless I'm in a relationship. I also have to figure out why I need attention from someone significant in my life. Why I need to be emotionally engaged with someone. I don't think I'm emotionally unavailable, but apparently this is the type of person I seem to attract. If relationships are reflections, then when and how am I emotionally unavailable. Is my fear of being rejected keeping me from sharing the truth of my self and even what I desire from those I am in relationship with. Even writing that makes my eyes well up with tears. What am I afraid of? Rejection? I get plenty of that? Someone being too close and then rejecting me? I've lived through that, too. I survived. It took a long time to heal, but I was able to move on. I even think I finally was able to forgive myself and the people who hurt me.

My 2016 intention is to heal and come to peace with my shadow, to be honest and vulnerable with my loves. and to live a big, juicy life!

The tragedy and fear of Jessica's death

As I scrolled through my Facebook feed this afternoon, I came across a post about the death of a young woman in Calgary. Jessica had Down Syndrome and her death had been ruled a homicide at the hands of her mother, who is also now deceased. While I can only speculate based on the reporter's account, it appears that Jessica's mom, dying of pancreatic cancer came to the heart-breaking conclusion that her daughter should die before her. She fed Jessica a fatal concoction of drugs and watched her die, then phoned police and was taken to the hospital herself. Now, I supposed that it is possible that in her weakened state, Jessica's mom did this accidentally, without intending Jessica any harm. It is strange that Jessica's father was unaware of what was happening.  It is all just so incredibly sad. Jessica's mom was just in her 50's and I think this is why this is resonating with me.

I know that I would not be worried for Catie's future, if I were faced with terminal cancer. Mark is an awesome father and involved in all the decisions around Catie's education, health and future. I know that it would be challenging for him to be a single parent, but I also know he could do it and be amazing in supporting her. How awful to feel that there were no options to have a child live a successful life with support from family. I couldn't even imagine making that decision or watching my child die.

My prayers go out to Jessica's family for healing and peace. To have both mother/wife and sister/daughter die in these circumstances is almost beyond bearing.

You can choose peace, but is expressing a sentiment always aggression?

A friend who spent a great deal of time organizing an event out of country is mad at me. At a celebration organized for after a group accomplishment, I posted to Facebook how disappointed I was with the place we held the celebration. We'd been there before & it was fun and awesome. This time, it was flat from my point of view. It had nothing to do with the event organizer - clearly beyond her control and I clearly stated in the post that the company was awesome. Food & music -not so much. I've organized events for much larger groups and taken much greater flack. I can understand her being somewhat upset, but her comment that I should complain to her and not on Facebook seems a little extreme. Through Facebook, the company can see the feedback and address the problem for all patrons. Others posted they had a good time & I think I was clear it had nothing to do with the organizer. I can understand that she thinks it reflects on her ability to organize and somehow think it will impact her business. Unlikely, given the stories coming back from the trip.

Buried grief

After midnight and I'm still not asleep. The question that keeps running around my brain is simply why, if I'm "precious", am I no longer worth communicating with? I can only go with the guess that my suppositions were right and the courage to be clear wasn't there.
I'm sure sleep will come, but it may be a while.

Love and Friendship and Death

Death is on my mind. A lot. I have been battling with mild depression and stress for the last couple of months. Two weeks ago, I arrived home and sat in the driveway thinking about suicide. I only thought about it briefly before dismissing it, but it startled me. The other thing pushing my thinking is the scare that woke me in the middle of the night last week. A solid pain in my chest woke me. I lay there wondering.....is it indigestion? A lung thing? Heart troubles? Menopause hormones? I waited to see if it got worse or better. It didn't really seem to do anything. It wasn't in my shoulders or neck or jaw or arm, so I lay there and let it gnaw at me for a while and slowly drifted back to sleep. It continues to bother me off and on, but as long as I'm not short of breath, more tired than usual and it isn't in my shoulders or arms, then I'm going to dismiss it as minor.

Death is frequently a topic of presentations and comments of a couple of friends who are solidly into personal health and development. Life is short - live big. What if you knew you were going to die on Friday? What would you do?  These thoughts and more pepper their presentations and discussions. They're not wrong and yet I find myself continuing to procrastinate and stay in holding patterns. I also want to go with Tosha Silver's advice that things have a way of presenting themself to you at exactly the right time. God (Spirit, the Universe, what have you...) has a plan. Do I believe in pre-destination? Not so sure on that one.

This morning on the drive to daycare, I found myself wondering about reincarnation, past lives and whether I believe that people are meant to meet again and again. What do you do when you meet someone with whom you have a deep, emotional/intellectual connection and yet life circumstances thwart that connection? Do you wait for the next time around - if there's a next time around? How do you love completely in the present moment. Better yet, how do you detach from connection so that you can love deeply without being attached to outcomes?

Loving someone and letting them go to be happy without you as espoused by the Buddhist monk, Thich Nhat Hahn, is much more difficult in reality than in theory. Loving people in the here and now is messy and difficult. I have such big questions and no answers - just process. Is it any wonder my head hurts and my chest hurts?  Is it any wonder that I think about death so much, now?

So, today I am grateful to be alive. I am grateful for soft summer air and rain. I am grateful for the music played by my son and my daughter's chattering voice in the car. I am grateful for my health and my body. I am grateful for the money provided by my work. I am grateful for my friends and my family. And I am grateful for the reminder that time is short to love and do the things we need to do on this tiny planet.

Shades of Grey

Not the book! I've been discussing with a good friend how life is full of complications and moral shades of grey.  Life is not black and white. For some people it is. I wonder if, for the majority, life is much more complex? I've always thought it is. If life were as black and white as some of my more inflexible acquaintances believe it to be, then I would be damned to burn in hell long ago. That, of course, predicates a belief in a god who sees humanity as weak and worm-like, destined for failure.

So, how to live a life of goodness? How to deal with moral complications? How to be true to oneself, yet be loving to one's family and friends? Is there a higher responsibility to honour your own personal growth or must you delay or stifle growth to ensure the happiness/security of others? Is there a win/win or as a dear friend says, "a perfect solution?"

In many ways, it's the notion of perfect solutions that is sending me deeply into depression. I'm not perfect. I make mistakes all the time. I hurt people. They hurt me. It's the actions and reactions of life. There is no perfect. There is only growth. Perfection strikes me as fixed and static.

The other notion that has me thinking a lot is the idea of running away from something or running toward something. Unlike elections, which are the incumbant's to lose, all life is movement away from one thing and towards something else. My guess is that we run into problems when we try to stay put and not move. Stasis is death. So we are always running away and always running towards. Satisfaction or happiness comes in the notion of the stillness of the present moment and the presence of awareness and breath. 

The contentment of listening to Catie, my daughter, talking to her dolls while my son chuckles at something on a YouTube video while I write this before rushing into my day is one of those moments. Making the decision to be grateful for this gloriously sunny spring day and face challenges with a smile, no matter how much I'd like to crawl into bed in a dark room is another such moment. I move forward and movement is change.

Namaste