Wisdom?

Must wisdom be acquired through pain? I wonder. Lately, my thoughts have wandered to my personal short comings. (No pun intended.) How I view my life and my relationships is the issue. Am I seeing things clearly? Certainly, I see things with my own life experiences filtering everything.  Everything seems to be very pointed right now, but perhaps this is because I have finished a major undertaking that has consumed me and I'm seeing things without that filter over-riding all.
The only piece that keeps me uncertain about my personal direction is that I've been thinking about relationship things for well over two years.

When I look at my personal writing over that length of time (and beyond), I've been trying to figure out what is wrong with me, what's wrong with the relationship. I've tried gratitude journalling, I've tried looking for the good in situations. I've tried to see what it is in me that has changed so drastically or what it is that is colouring my perceptions.
I've tried counselling with limited success. I've had good success with fitness and diet, although it's been pointed out to me that perhaps this is my newest avoidance tactic. Emotional eating, focusing on the children and focusing on serving the community were my outs before. In the last 3 years, it's been working on the masters. In the last year and a half, it's been working out and changing my understanding of myself and food. Is this avoidance or good health?

I realized in the year before I turned 50 that life was rapidly passing. There were so many things I had put on the back burner. I really began thinking about bucket lists and quality of life.  Things have been very "me" focused, but for so many years, life has been focused on everyone else. I'm sure there is a balance here, but I'm struggling to find it.

Is this wisdom, knowing that balance is precarious at best? Is life supposed to be lived on the edge of the razor? I want a beautiful home (clean, lovely colours,  nice finishing and furnishings, bright and airy), a good relationship with my children (balancing fun and firmness, ensuring their health and safety), a strong relationship with a partner who is on a path of self-actualization and health, personal financial stability and the opportunity to engage in the things I enjoy in life. Surprisingly, determining the things that I personally enjoy is difficult. I feel guilty for enjoying the things I've liked. Everything is always too expensive or too time-consuming - at least, that's what I've interpreted from comments and associated guilt.

So - am I too demanding? Too greedy? Too unobservant of the needs of others? Too selfish? Am I too emotionally unavailable (wearing a mask of openness while really keeping myself hidden)? Am I too unpredictable in how I react to the children's behaviour? Am I too emotional -period? Too loud?  Too angry?  I have thought these things or been told these things many times in the years since Mark and I got together. I am incredibly imperfect. I try to be forgiving of myself for these things and improve, but I never feel like I am good enough.
In The Four Agreements,  Don Ruiz says, "Even the opinions you have about yourself are not necessarily true; therefore you don't need to take whatever you hear in your own mind personally."   It is hard to let go of the personal judgments, even of myself. My goal for the next little while will be to do my best to live in the present moment. Perhaps the pain will be less.