High functioning depression

I admitted to a good friend about a month ago that I've likely been living with depression for the last year and a half. It's been a tough go. Based on what I'm reading and not an actual diagnosis, I think this would be high functioning depression. I go to work, I can be cheerful and present in that place. I can even be cheerful and manage with my children because I don't want them to ever feel I'm not there for them. However.....

I've returned to eating to soothe emotion.

I've stopped every fitness thing I've ever done.

When I drink (rare) it's not to enjoy a delicious wine, but to relieve emotions. 

My numbing agents continue to be food and books and technology.

I mask.

I hide.

My negative self-talk was out of control.

I could see very little brightness in my future - only unremitting sameness without joy.

I've felt very alone.

It's starting to change for the better, but I don't think I could tell you why. Perhaps my hormones have shifted again. Perhaps the chemical imbalance in my body is better. I have not talked with my doctor about this, although that's coming next week because I don't want to continue like this anymore.

There's a glimmer of brightness again. I have much work to do, though, to return to what I would consider normal. I need to move again.  I need to find fun again. (Because honestly there has been no fun in my life for well over a year. I have not felt joy in anything I've done. I think I may have done a damn fine job fooling people that I was having a good time, but inside I've felt completely hollow and empty.)

Baby steps forward.

Love, Value, and Business

Yesterday, I picked up a box from Loomis. I was going to have to pay $22.95 in extra fees for this lovely box, so I wasn't in a hurry to get it. In some ways, I almost wanted to leave it, but I had ordered this item and knew that to bring it to full cycle, I needed to get it.

The plain brown box enclosed a very lovely, weighty day planner from Danielle LaPorte. I love Danielle's writings and most of her products. I purchased a planner last year and have used it regularly, although it was one of the less expensive ones. This year, I decided to order a daily planner with the black cover. It's beautiful. The weight means it will sit nicely on my desk. The pages are large and well laid out. The paper feels good and the fonts are easy to read. The month calendars are large enough to see multiple daily entries. The daily calendar pages allow for lots of writing and thinking and planning. That being said, with the American pricing, the shipping and then the extra costs of sending an American item over the border through a private shipper, this planner cost me nearly $100. 

I won't do that again. Period. Danielle lives in Vancouver - not 5 hours from the city I live in. Her work is powerful, but this is just a pretty thing. I can use that money for other, more empowering, local learning. I can design and print off my own pretty planners and it will cost significantly less than $100. I'm satisfied knowing that I've supported Danielle and her family and given her the value that she deems this work to have. I don't agree that it's worth that much and as a result I won't pay it again.

I think the thing that I find interesting is that, as an educator, I have some discretionary money to put towards beautiful things for myself, but I'm not wealthy (of course, that's privilege speaking....) and choose to manage my money carefully to the best benefit of my family and myself. While organizing myself if important to me and doing it beautifully is a bonus, That's a significant cost compared to 98% of organizers. I wonder who Danielle's market is?  I don't fully know, but obviously I'm part of her demographic because I bought one.  I would continue to be part of her demographic if I knew I could purchase this in Canada at Canadian prices without the horrendous conversion to American dollars and the added duty. Ah well, not a big enough self-improvement market in Canada, I guess. It's been an interesting lesson.

Love you Danielle, love the organizer, and love myself not to buy it again, unless something changes.

Grieving

To make room for something that is true and beautiful and meant for you, you have to let go of what no longer serves you.  This may mean completely burying something and walking away or it may mean radical forgiveness. It has to die inside you though, and that is painful.

Detachment with Love

Letting go of expectations and assumptions is tough. I'm in the midst of probably the most difficult personal work I've ever done. I'm trying to determine what my core needs are, live in the present and not attach any outcomes. I've prayed for the way to be made obvious to me and I'm trusting the Divine to lead me to the best life of purpose for making the world a better place.

I read today that fear indicates that you're getting close to truth. I'm certainly more aware of fear and of my emotional states than I've ever been before. I'm struggling with relationships of all kinds because I'm trying to learn why I get triggered by certain things and I'm also trying to truly love myself and be generous with myself. I've come to realize that not only am I incredibly hard on myself, I learned early on in childhood that I had to earn love. It wasn't automatic. It was dependent on behaviour. It was dependent on how entertaining I was and how well-behaved I was and how smart I was and how attractive I was. It was also very dependent on how compliant I was. The more challenging I was with my mother, the less affection I received. This is true of my father, too, although that changed somewhat when I became older.

What I'm trying to learn now is why I believe I'm not ok unless I'm in a relationship. I also have to figure out why I need attention from someone significant in my life. Why I need to be emotionally engaged with someone. I don't think I'm emotionally unavailable, but apparently this is the type of person I seem to attract. If relationships are reflections, then when and how am I emotionally unavailable. Is my fear of being rejected keeping me from sharing the truth of my self and even what I desire from those I am in relationship with. Even writing that makes my eyes well up with tears. What am I afraid of? Rejection? I get plenty of that? Someone being too close and then rejecting me? I've lived through that, too. I survived. It took a long time to heal, but I was able to move on. I even think I finally was able to forgive myself and the people who hurt me.

My 2016 intention is to heal and come to peace with my shadow, to be honest and vulnerable with my loves. and to live a big, juicy life!

The tragedy and fear of Jessica's death

As I scrolled through my Facebook feed this afternoon, I came across a post about the death of a young woman in Calgary. Jessica had Down Syndrome and her death had been ruled a homicide at the hands of her mother, who is also now deceased. While I can only speculate based on the reporter's account, it appears that Jessica's mom, dying of pancreatic cancer came to the heart-breaking conclusion that her daughter should die before her. She fed Jessica a fatal concoction of drugs and watched her die, then phoned police and was taken to the hospital herself. Now, I supposed that it is possible that in her weakened state, Jessica's mom did this accidentally, without intending Jessica any harm. It is strange that Jessica's father was unaware of what was happening.  It is all just so incredibly sad. Jessica's mom was just in her 50's and I think this is why this is resonating with me.

I know that I would not be worried for Catie's future, if I were faced with terminal cancer. Mark is an awesome father and involved in all the decisions around Catie's education, health and future. I know that it would be challenging for him to be a single parent, but I also know he could do it and be amazing in supporting her. How awful to feel that there were no options to have a child live a successful life with support from family. I couldn't even imagine making that decision or watching my child die.

My prayers go out to Jessica's family for healing and peace. To have both mother/wife and sister/daughter die in these circumstances is almost beyond bearing.

You can choose peace, but is expressing a sentiment always aggression?

A friend who spent a great deal of time organizing an event out of country is mad at me. At a celebration organized for after a group accomplishment, I posted to Facebook how disappointed I was with the place we held the celebration. We'd been there before & it was fun and awesome. This time, it was flat from my point of view. It had nothing to do with the event organizer - clearly beyond her control and I clearly stated in the post that the company was awesome. Food & music -not so much. I've organized events for much larger groups and taken much greater flack. I can understand her being somewhat upset, but her comment that I should complain to her and not on Facebook seems a little extreme. Through Facebook, the company can see the feedback and address the problem for all patrons. Others posted they had a good time & I think I was clear it had nothing to do with the organizer. I can understand that she thinks it reflects on her ability to organize and somehow think it will impact her business. Unlikely, given the stories coming back from the trip.

Buried grief

After midnight and I'm still not asleep. The question that keeps running around my brain is simply why, if I'm "precious", am I no longer worth communicating with? I can only go with the guess that my suppositions were right and the courage to be clear wasn't there.
I'm sure sleep will come, but it may be a while.

Love and Friendship and Death

Death is on my mind. A lot. I have been battling with mild depression and stress for the last couple of months. Two weeks ago, I arrived home and sat in the driveway thinking about suicide. I only thought about it briefly before dismissing it, but it startled me. The other thing pushing my thinking is the scare that woke me in the middle of the night last week. A solid pain in my chest woke me. I lay there wondering.....is it indigestion? A lung thing? Heart troubles? Menopause hormones? I waited to see if it got worse or better. It didn't really seem to do anything. It wasn't in my shoulders or neck or jaw or arm, so I lay there and let it gnaw at me for a while and slowly drifted back to sleep. It continues to bother me off and on, but as long as I'm not short of breath, more tired than usual and it isn't in my shoulders or arms, then I'm going to dismiss it as minor.

Death is frequently a topic of presentations and comments of a couple of friends who are solidly into personal health and development. Life is short - live big. What if you knew you were going to die on Friday? What would you do?  These thoughts and more pepper their presentations and discussions. They're not wrong and yet I find myself continuing to procrastinate and stay in holding patterns. I also want to go with Tosha Silver's advice that things have a way of presenting themself to you at exactly the right time. God (Spirit, the Universe, what have you...) has a plan. Do I believe in pre-destination? Not so sure on that one.

This morning on the drive to daycare, I found myself wondering about reincarnation, past lives and whether I believe that people are meant to meet again and again. What do you do when you meet someone with whom you have a deep, emotional/intellectual connection and yet life circumstances thwart that connection? Do you wait for the next time around - if there's a next time around? How do you love completely in the present moment. Better yet, how do you detach from connection so that you can love deeply without being attached to outcomes?

Loving someone and letting them go to be happy without you as espoused by the Buddhist monk, Thich Nhat Hahn, is much more difficult in reality than in theory. Loving people in the here and now is messy and difficult. I have such big questions and no answers - just process. Is it any wonder my head hurts and my chest hurts?  Is it any wonder that I think about death so much, now?

So, today I am grateful to be alive. I am grateful for soft summer air and rain. I am grateful for the music played by my son and my daughter's chattering voice in the car. I am grateful for my health and my body. I am grateful for the money provided by my work. I am grateful for my friends and my family. And I am grateful for the reminder that time is short to love and do the things we need to do on this tiny planet.

Shades of Grey

Not the book! I've been discussing with a good friend how life is full of complications and moral shades of grey.  Life is not black and white. For some people it is. I wonder if, for the majority, life is much more complex? I've always thought it is. If life were as black and white as some of my more inflexible acquaintances believe it to be, then I would be damned to burn in hell long ago. That, of course, predicates a belief in a god who sees humanity as weak and worm-like, destined for failure.

So, how to live a life of goodness? How to deal with moral complications? How to be true to oneself, yet be loving to one's family and friends? Is there a higher responsibility to honour your own personal growth or must you delay or stifle growth to ensure the happiness/security of others? Is there a win/win or as a dear friend says, "a perfect solution?"

In many ways, it's the notion of perfect solutions that is sending me deeply into depression. I'm not perfect. I make mistakes all the time. I hurt people. They hurt me. It's the actions and reactions of life. There is no perfect. There is only growth. Perfection strikes me as fixed and static.

The other notion that has me thinking a lot is the idea of running away from something or running toward something. Unlike elections, which are the incumbant's to lose, all life is movement away from one thing and towards something else. My guess is that we run into problems when we try to stay put and not move. Stasis is death. So we are always running away and always running towards. Satisfaction or happiness comes in the notion of the stillness of the present moment and the presence of awareness and breath. 

The contentment of listening to Catie, my daughter, talking to her dolls while my son chuckles at something on a YouTube video while I write this before rushing into my day is one of those moments. Making the decision to be grateful for this gloriously sunny spring day and face challenges with a smile, no matter how much I'd like to crawl into bed in a dark room is another such moment. I move forward and movement is change.

Namaste 

Divine Order

How is it that Divine Order comes out of creative chaos? By asking for what you want from the Universe (or Godiverse, as I heard recently). I just finished reading Tosha Silver's Outrageous Openness and am rethinking all the little miracles that have happened in my life. I wouldn't call this past summer miraculous, but it certainly was powerful.

I have definitely asked the universe to use me to its highest purposes. What is meant to come will come, what is meant to go will go. That doesn't mean I'm detached from it, but I'm more relaxed and open. I had so much fun with friends this summer and opened my heart in a way that it hadn't been in a while. I laughed and danced when I had the opportunity, I rode and ran every chance I got. While it wasn't always easy (and the challenges that came in running this summer worried me), I kept going.

I have asked for help with my work. I am open to amazing, transformation opportunities. I've asked the Universe to help me with writing and creative expression in a way that could provide revenue and help others.

Best of all, I got to spend some really great time with my children. They're growing up so fast!! It was nice to have play time and reading time and art time and gaming time at a relaxed pace. There wasn't a lot of money thanks to the Teacher Strike, but there was a lot of love!

Puzzle pieces or just puzzling?

38/365 Puzzled by Mykl Roventine from Flickr 2009 CC Attribution

Relationships are confusing. I have been working hard to know myself better - to discover what is truly me and not a reflection of my parents, my previous relationships or my current one. I have met wonderful new people over the last two years and unsurprisingly in a period of change, I have been attracted to some amazing men and felt that attraction returned or even had someone desire me when I felt nothing but collegial respect in return. What brings this up and has me writing is a recent recognition that all attractions have an element of mirroring, but also a deep sense of puzzlement about how people handle attraction.
I have had a deep crush on someone for a number of years. I recognize that he is in a relationship and that while he may feel a fleeting attraction, his focus is entirely on his current, passionate relationship. It ended his first marriage, so I get that his head and his heart are full. In all honesty, I really don't know him as a friend, only as a colleague, so I know this is just a crush based on things I've observed. I'm surprised it's gone on as long as it has, but there's just.....something.

There's also a charming man unlike any other men I've known. He's not a social justice guy - in fact he's the opposite. He's about making money and entrepreneurship. He enjoys risk taking and he's funny, cynical and there's an edge to him. We both recognize an attraction and while he's hinted at an affair, I don't think he wants to jeopardize his own marriage. I would enjoy working with him and I'm attracted to his courage to take risks in business and his different way of thinking. He's fun and I've been trying to relax and have more fun.

What has been particularly puzzling is a recent connection that I'm not sure what to do with. After a couple of years of being friends on Facebook for a work-related project, I finally got to meet someone I would have described as a friendly acquaintance. We had talked on the phone a couple of times and were looking forward to meeting in person. Once that had happened, it felt like we had been friends for a long time. Over drinks on the night before I headed for home, we talked about relationships and marriage and the stuggle it can be sometimes. His marriage sounded solid and amazing. We headed off to our own rooms with a hug and a peck of a kiss, and it was the way he headed off that I realized that perhaps there was something more to this The morning good-bye confirmed that yes, he felt something, but didn't want to jeopardize friendship with "complications." I was enjoying his company and the friendship and to this moment I'm still a little puzzled. I don't think I was flirting. I was just being myself. I hadn't put the two of us together in my head at all until he said good-night. Even then, I just thought my radar was just off track. I've gone over that evening in my head since and wondered if he thought I was trying to seduce him?  I don't know. Either way, I guess I should be grateful for a warm, friendly connection. It's always wonderful to be found appealing and to meet someone you think you share common values and interests with.

The lesson I'm left with right now is how much I'd just like some time to figure out my own needs. I want to feel confident in my capabilities and secure in my own skin (person #1), I want to be brave and savvy and have fun in my adventures. (person #2) and finally, I want to make the world a better, peaceful place. (person #3) The way to do these things, though is by bringing my self and my own gifts to the world. It's more than that though and that's the real  puzzle for me. Why am I not satisfied in the relationship I have? What am I not bringing of myself to this relationship. (Even as I wrote that, I got a lump in my throat and felt like I wanted to cry.) It's a puzzle with some missing pieces and unfortunately, I know the pieces are mine - not his.

Moxified Living

It's always great to work with creative, fun people and Kate Fagervik embodies creative fun and MOXY! I can't wait to visit her new retail art space in Enderby, Imaginarium and am proud to be part of her feminist group. Best of all was Kate asking me to release my writer again. I keep forgetting how much I disappear into my zone when I write. Time stretches and I blend into it to a certain degree as I meld with what is flowing around in my brain.

Here's what I created for her readers and co-creators - a great group of people!

Reflections from a Mama Bear

Backsliding

OK, I've been a bad girl! Carbs, wine, beer, chocolate, lazing about and avoiding workouts. A whole week of being quite lazy and for no good reason, other than I'm falling back into bad habits of being passive because taking action is scary.

I walked across the stage and received my Masters Degree at UBC on Thursday. It was a very satisfying moment. The trip down was a royal pain in the ass, with sick croupy daughter and 4 guys who totally didn't get that I just wanted to go for a run on the Seawall. I almost wanted to ditch grad just to do that. Instead, I got stuck in a hotel room. Doing nothing. God-damn I hate my family
sometimes.

I have a new job - District Coordinator for Planning 10. It could be a thankless job or I could make it into something positive. The question is how to make peace with all the very disgruntled people involved.  I get to take a course in assertiveness training at the Justice Institute and I'm looking forward to that. I'll also be applying for VP jobs, so we'll see what comes of that as well.

At least I got to do a bike ride today....

Running towards or away?

I've started working towards a new goal! I'll be running two half marathons in the fall. The Kelowna 1/2 and the Las Vegas 1/2. I was tired and feeling sick when I headed out this morning (Mothers' Day, too!) to meet the group I'll be training with and waited a little nervously for the pep talk to be finished so we could head out. I didn't know what distance we'd be running or what the intervals were going to be, so I was relieved when we were told it was 12 k starting with 8/2 and then switching to 8.5/1.5. I knew I could handle that, even if I wasn't feeling 100%. I wasn't sure if it was leftover from crappy eating during my rest week or whether I've started to come down with the virus the rest of the family has had, but as I set out, the sore throat, tight chest and slightly achy body feelings disappeared and my run legs settled under me. Breathing was good and it just felt so good to move after a week's rest. It was warm and windy, but running the Three Bridges Run was awesome! It was the first time I've run it instead of cycling it and it was fine! I got back to our start point, stretched with the group, then headed for quiet, solo CWT in the river. It was a nice end to the first of what will be an interesting journey. I was head-achy when I got home, but coffee and Tylenol have solved that and my energy is coming back a little, but I'm still dragging butt. I think part of it is viral and the other part is emotional. Lots going on in my head!

Having started checking out running blogs, I came across the mention of a number of Disney runs. I have to admit that a great big part of me wants to do both the Tinkerbell 1/2 (or 10K) and the Princess 1/2. How demented am I to want to run with wings or some princess get-up. I dislike all the stuff that Disney represents in terms of objectification of women, yet running is so counter intuitive. Women conquered the prejudice against women running distance nearly 40 years ago, so taking back some of the whimsy and fun also seems like a great idea. Part of me still wants to play pretend and my darling daughter just isn't there, yet. My need for escape (wings, etc.) is growing rather than diminishing. Lately my dreams (and daydreams) are all about running away from everything. It feels like everything is confining me. Work, kids, husband, family, pets, community.... I want it all to go away. I pretty much have the life I was building towards (except I live in a crappy house, in a crappy neighbourhood with big ugly motorhome and a ton of trash in the carport). Gratitude is hard to come by at the moment,except for my kids. It's a struggle to come home at the end of the day. I've been using work and working out as my reason to delay as long as possible, but that's only going to work until the end of the school year. At that point, I could be completely screwed because I'll have a whole summer with house, husband and kids and nothing else to do. I better figure this shit out quickly or I'm going to snap over the summer.

Unfortunately, Tinker Bell's pixie dust isn't going to let me fly away to Neverland.

Wisdom?

Must wisdom be acquired through pain? I wonder. Lately, my thoughts have wandered to my personal short comings. (No pun intended.) How I view my life and my relationships is the issue. Am I seeing things clearly? Certainly, I see things with my own life experiences filtering everything.  Everything seems to be very pointed right now, but perhaps this is because I have finished a major undertaking that has consumed me and I'm seeing things without that filter over-riding all.
The only piece that keeps me uncertain about my personal direction is that I've been thinking about relationship things for well over two years.

When I look at my personal writing over that length of time (and beyond), I've been trying to figure out what is wrong with me, what's wrong with the relationship. I've tried gratitude journalling, I've tried looking for the good in situations. I've tried to see what it is in me that has changed so drastically or what it is that is colouring my perceptions.
I've tried counselling with limited success. I've had good success with fitness and diet, although it's been pointed out to me that perhaps this is my newest avoidance tactic. Emotional eating, focusing on the children and focusing on serving the community were my outs before. In the last 3 years, it's been working on the masters. In the last year and a half, it's been working out and changing my understanding of myself and food. Is this avoidance or good health?

I realized in the year before I turned 50 that life was rapidly passing. There were so many things I had put on the back burner. I really began thinking about bucket lists and quality of life.  Things have been very "me" focused, but for so many years, life has been focused on everyone else. I'm sure there is a balance here, but I'm struggling to find it.

Is this wisdom, knowing that balance is precarious at best? Is life supposed to be lived on the edge of the razor? I want a beautiful home (clean, lovely colours,  nice finishing and furnishings, bright and airy), a good relationship with my children (balancing fun and firmness, ensuring their health and safety), a strong relationship with a partner who is on a path of self-actualization and health, personal financial stability and the opportunity to engage in the things I enjoy in life. Surprisingly, determining the things that I personally enjoy is difficult. I feel guilty for enjoying the things I've liked. Everything is always too expensive or too time-consuming - at least, that's what I've interpreted from comments and associated guilt.

So - am I too demanding? Too greedy? Too unobservant of the needs of others? Too selfish? Am I too emotionally unavailable (wearing a mask of openness while really keeping myself hidden)? Am I too unpredictable in how I react to the children's behaviour? Am I too emotional -period? Too loud?  Too angry?  I have thought these things or been told these things many times in the years since Mark and I got together. I am incredibly imperfect. I try to be forgiving of myself for these things and improve, but I never feel like I am good enough.
In The Four Agreements,  Don Ruiz says, "Even the opinions you have about yourself are not necessarily true; therefore you don't need to take whatever you hear in your own mind personally."   It is hard to let go of the personal judgments, even of myself. My goal for the next little while will be to do my best to live in the present moment. Perhaps the pain will be less.

Confusion and Celebration/Doors open and Doors close

I'm sitting on the ferry again - only a little over a month since the last time - getting ready to run a 10 k with my brother. I'm looking forward to the running and some bike riding. I'm also celebrating. My Masters degree is officially completed. My grades are posted and my ETEC 590 Capstone e-portfolio is complete and passed. I'll cross the stage in May and receive my MET!
You would think that this would wrap things up so neatly - new possibilities for my career. A new accomplishment in my life to be proud of! I do celebrate these things, but so much is also seriously messed up in my life.
I've never been more confused and distressed in my relationship. The last time I went through this kind of emotional upheaval, I would have been in my late 20's/early 30's when I finally decided I should just give up on men altogether and live a personally fulfilling single life. I'd been through two rather awful relationships and felt used and disgusted with myself for being so incredibly stupid.
So, what do I need to learn here? My big questions are whether to continue in my school or begin looking at administration or even whether to consider looking outside the education field. The other question is about my marriage. It's time to see a marriage counsellor or call it quits, because I can't keep going like this. I'm too confused and too unhappy with the status quo. I've changed and our relationship hasn't. I get that Mark is in pain, but perhaps this year of misery is his own body telling him that something is really wrong in his life, too.
Either way, we need help if we're going to figure out how to fix it or end it.

Decision time?

I must take responsibility for my own feelings and needs. That means being brave enough to risk rejection. My parents' inability to express their love unless I was a good girl or smart and their own inability to trust each other enough to fight or ask for what they needed will not be my legacy to my children. I need to fix my relationship pattern or end this relationship .

Finished

It is officially done. I have completed all but the most minor of assignments (two video reviews) for my Masters degree. It has been a strange week. I have been emotionally all over the map. I don't know what to do with myself. There are no critical deadlines hanging over my head. (Aside from work responsibilities.) It's like I've been let off a leash and I'm so trained to do a certain thing that I don't consider what my freedoms are. Colleagues and friends who have done this before me assure me this will pass fairly quickly. It reminds me of one of my favourite picture books - Grasper by Paul Owen. Grasper is a small crab who upon moulting for the first time escapes his small world and discover the wide world where he meets a mentor (a much larger crab) who tells him that he must have a soft heart to grow big - that it's dangerous, but he won't grow otherwise. I feel open and like I've shed my shell and I'm a little tingly at the possibilities. Today as I looked through Goodreads and tried to catch up on listing the books I've read, I came across a workshop run by Gail Dargatz-Anderson - one of my favourite authors - for this May. It's all about writing a novel....maybe it's time :) Having her as a mentor would be amazing.

Two weeks and I'll be finished. So much work to do. So much confusion in my heart. It's like I'm deliberately trying to avoid completing the degree. I need to focus, but here I sit blogging. It's hard to breathe. My heart keeps racing and I keep re-reading the same thing.

I will put everything on hold for the next 16 days and just grind this out. I must finish to have all the options open to me that I've worked so hard for. I deserve that. I learned long ago how to compartmentalize, no matter how stupidly I may try to self-sabotage. My heart and all the other things going on in my life will still be here when I'm done.

I've put what I wanted out to the universe. Now I must see what unfolds.

Compassion. Love. Self-forgiveness. Patience. Reality.

What exists is in front of me. Finish the work.

Circles and circles

I had the pleasure of being in the company of some very wise women yesterday, planning an event that I want to succeed on so many levels. In sharing stories at the table, I was reminded of how many times things in my life have circled around to be revisited. Friendship with women has been one of the great challenges in my life. I have never found it easy, until I was able to let go of some of the expectations I have of people and try to remember that I need to be a better friend to have good friends.
Despite that recollection in one part of my life, I found myself doing something yesterday that I had learned long ago was counterproductive. I was sharing information about myself. Too much. Talking too much - again. Still. Rather than standing silent and letting the moment be, I had to jump in and share details. I don't learn anything about anyone else if my mouth is open. 
End result - no sleep. (That and a late afternoon coffee.)

While I was lying there, listening to the friendly, next-door-neighbour dog barking through the night and the usual level of snoring, it came to me that perhaps I'm being played like a fish. Line is reeled in, then rest, reeled in, then rest.  Middle of the night analogies are always a dangerous thing. Lack of sleep does not aid logical, analytical thinking processes. Perhaps it's just worry about Mark heading off with the kids. It feels so strange. At the same time, I'm so looking forward to the visit on the Island. Gee, mommy guilt and anticipation of freedom. There's a new pairing.... she says very sarcastically. The circle is coming around again. Changes, changes, changes,