Love and Friendship and Death

Death is on my mind. A lot. I have been battling with mild depression and stress for the last couple of months. Two weeks ago, I arrived home and sat in the driveway thinking about suicide. I only thought about it briefly before dismissing it, but it startled me. The other thing pushing my thinking is the scare that woke me in the middle of the night last week. A solid pain in my chest woke me. I lay there wondering.....is it indigestion? A lung thing? Heart troubles? Menopause hormones? I waited to see if it got worse or better. It didn't really seem to do anything. It wasn't in my shoulders or neck or jaw or arm, so I lay there and let it gnaw at me for a while and slowly drifted back to sleep. It continues to bother me off and on, but as long as I'm not short of breath, more tired than usual and it isn't in my shoulders or arms, then I'm going to dismiss it as minor.

Death is frequently a topic of presentations and comments of a couple of friends who are solidly into personal health and development. Life is short - live big. What if you knew you were going to die on Friday? What would you do?  These thoughts and more pepper their presentations and discussions. They're not wrong and yet I find myself continuing to procrastinate and stay in holding patterns. I also want to go with Tosha Silver's advice that things have a way of presenting themself to you at exactly the right time. God (Spirit, the Universe, what have you...) has a plan. Do I believe in pre-destination? Not so sure on that one.

This morning on the drive to daycare, I found myself wondering about reincarnation, past lives and whether I believe that people are meant to meet again and again. What do you do when you meet someone with whom you have a deep, emotional/intellectual connection and yet life circumstances thwart that connection? Do you wait for the next time around - if there's a next time around? How do you love completely in the present moment. Better yet, how do you detach from connection so that you can love deeply without being attached to outcomes?

Loving someone and letting them go to be happy without you as espoused by the Buddhist monk, Thich Nhat Hahn, is much more difficult in reality than in theory. Loving people in the here and now is messy and difficult. I have such big questions and no answers - just process. Is it any wonder my head hurts and my chest hurts?  Is it any wonder that I think about death so much, now?

So, today I am grateful to be alive. I am grateful for soft summer air and rain. I am grateful for the music played by my son and my daughter's chattering voice in the car. I am grateful for my health and my body. I am grateful for the money provided by my work. I am grateful for my friends and my family. And I am grateful for the reminder that time is short to love and do the things we need to do on this tiny planet.

Shades of Grey

Not the book! I've been discussing with a good friend how life is full of complications and moral shades of grey.  Life is not black and white. For some people it is. I wonder if, for the majority, life is much more complex? I've always thought it is. If life were as black and white as some of my more inflexible acquaintances believe it to be, then I would be damned to burn in hell long ago. That, of course, predicates a belief in a god who sees humanity as weak and worm-like, destined for failure.

So, how to live a life of goodness? How to deal with moral complications? How to be true to oneself, yet be loving to one's family and friends? Is there a higher responsibility to honour your own personal growth or must you delay or stifle growth to ensure the happiness/security of others? Is there a win/win or as a dear friend says, "a perfect solution?"

In many ways, it's the notion of perfect solutions that is sending me deeply into depression. I'm not perfect. I make mistakes all the time. I hurt people. They hurt me. It's the actions and reactions of life. There is no perfect. There is only growth. Perfection strikes me as fixed and static.

The other notion that has me thinking a lot is the idea of running away from something or running toward something. Unlike elections, which are the incumbant's to lose, all life is movement away from one thing and towards something else. My guess is that we run into problems when we try to stay put and not move. Stasis is death. So we are always running away and always running towards. Satisfaction or happiness comes in the notion of the stillness of the present moment and the presence of awareness and breath. 

The contentment of listening to Catie, my daughter, talking to her dolls while my son chuckles at something on a YouTube video while I write this before rushing into my day is one of those moments. Making the decision to be grateful for this gloriously sunny spring day and face challenges with a smile, no matter how much I'd like to crawl into bed in a dark room is another such moment. I move forward and movement is change.

Namaste 

Divine Order

How is it that Divine Order comes out of creative chaos? By asking for what you want from the Universe (or Godiverse, as I heard recently). I just finished reading Tosha Silver's Outrageous Openness and am rethinking all the little miracles that have happened in my life. I wouldn't call this past summer miraculous, but it certainly was powerful.

I have definitely asked the universe to use me to its highest purposes. What is meant to come will come, what is meant to go will go. That doesn't mean I'm detached from it, but I'm more relaxed and open. I had so much fun with friends this summer and opened my heart in a way that it hadn't been in a while. I laughed and danced when I had the opportunity, I rode and ran every chance I got. While it wasn't always easy (and the challenges that came in running this summer worried me), I kept going.

I have asked for help with my work. I am open to amazing, transformation opportunities. I've asked the Universe to help me with writing and creative expression in a way that could provide revenue and help others.

Best of all, I got to spend some really great time with my children. They're growing up so fast!! It was nice to have play time and reading time and art time and gaming time at a relaxed pace. There wasn't a lot of money thanks to the Teacher Strike, but there was a lot of love!

Puzzle pieces or just puzzling?

38/365 Puzzled by Mykl Roventine from Flickr 2009 CC Attribution

Relationships are confusing. I have been working hard to know myself better - to discover what is truly me and not a reflection of my parents, my previous relationships or my current one. I have met wonderful new people over the last two years and unsurprisingly in a period of change, I have been attracted to some amazing men and felt that attraction returned or even had someone desire me when I felt nothing but collegial respect in return. What brings this up and has me writing is a recent recognition that all attractions have an element of mirroring, but also a deep sense of puzzlement about how people handle attraction.
I have had a deep crush on someone for a number of years. I recognize that he is in a relationship and that while he may feel a fleeting attraction, his focus is entirely on his current, passionate relationship. It ended his first marriage, so I get that his head and his heart are full. In all honesty, I really don't know him as a friend, only as a colleague, so I know this is just a crush based on things I've observed. I'm surprised it's gone on as long as it has, but there's just.....something.

There's also a charming man unlike any other men I've known. He's not a social justice guy - in fact he's the opposite. He's about making money and entrepreneurship. He enjoys risk taking and he's funny, cynical and there's an edge to him. We both recognize an attraction and while he's hinted at an affair, I don't think he wants to jeopardize his own marriage. I would enjoy working with him and I'm attracted to his courage to take risks in business and his different way of thinking. He's fun and I've been trying to relax and have more fun.

What has been particularly puzzling is a recent connection that I'm not sure what to do with. After a couple of years of being friends on Facebook for a work-related project, I finally got to meet someone I would have described as a friendly acquaintance. We had talked on the phone a couple of times and were looking forward to meeting in person. Once that had happened, it felt like we had been friends for a long time. Over drinks on the night before I headed for home, we talked about relationships and marriage and the stuggle it can be sometimes. His marriage sounded solid and amazing. We headed off to our own rooms with a hug and a peck of a kiss, and it was the way he headed off that I realized that perhaps there was something more to this The morning good-bye confirmed that yes, he felt something, but didn't want to jeopardize friendship with "complications." I was enjoying his company and the friendship and to this moment I'm still a little puzzled. I don't think I was flirting. I was just being myself. I hadn't put the two of us together in my head at all until he said good-night. Even then, I just thought my radar was just off track. I've gone over that evening in my head since and wondered if he thought I was trying to seduce him?  I don't know. Either way, I guess I should be grateful for a warm, friendly connection. It's always wonderful to be found appealing and to meet someone you think you share common values and interests with.

The lesson I'm left with right now is how much I'd just like some time to figure out my own needs. I want to feel confident in my capabilities and secure in my own skin (person #1), I want to be brave and savvy and have fun in my adventures. (person #2) and finally, I want to make the world a better, peaceful place. (person #3) The way to do these things, though is by bringing my self and my own gifts to the world. It's more than that though and that's the real  puzzle for me. Why am I not satisfied in the relationship I have? What am I not bringing of myself to this relationship. (Even as I wrote that, I got a lump in my throat and felt like I wanted to cry.) It's a puzzle with some missing pieces and unfortunately, I know the pieces are mine - not his.

Moxified Living

It's always great to work with creative, fun people and Kate Fagervik embodies creative fun and MOXY! I can't wait to visit her new retail art space in Enderby, Imaginarium and am proud to be part of her feminist group. Best of all was Kate asking me to release my writer again. I keep forgetting how much I disappear into my zone when I write. Time stretches and I blend into it to a certain degree as I meld with what is flowing around in my brain.

Here's what I created for her readers and co-creators - a great group of people!

Reflections from a Mama Bear

Backsliding

OK, I've been a bad girl! Carbs, wine, beer, chocolate, lazing about and avoiding workouts. A whole week of being quite lazy and for no good reason, other than I'm falling back into bad habits of being passive because taking action is scary.

I walked across the stage and received my Masters Degree at UBC on Thursday. It was a very satisfying moment. The trip down was a royal pain in the ass, with sick croupy daughter and 4 guys who totally didn't get that I just wanted to go for a run on the Seawall. I almost wanted to ditch grad just to do that. Instead, I got stuck in a hotel room. Doing nothing. God-damn I hate my family
sometimes.

I have a new job - District Coordinator for Planning 10. It could be a thankless job or I could make it into something positive. The question is how to make peace with all the very disgruntled people involved.  I get to take a course in assertiveness training at the Justice Institute and I'm looking forward to that. I'll also be applying for VP jobs, so we'll see what comes of that as well.

At least I got to do a bike ride today....

Running towards or away?

I've started working towards a new goal! I'll be running two half marathons in the fall. The Kelowna 1/2 and the Las Vegas 1/2. I was tired and feeling sick when I headed out this morning (Mothers' Day, too!) to meet the group I'll be training with and waited a little nervously for the pep talk to be finished so we could head out. I didn't know what distance we'd be running or what the intervals were going to be, so I was relieved when we were told it was 12 k starting with 8/2 and then switching to 8.5/1.5. I knew I could handle that, even if I wasn't feeling 100%. I wasn't sure if it was leftover from crappy eating during my rest week or whether I've started to come down with the virus the rest of the family has had, but as I set out, the sore throat, tight chest and slightly achy body feelings disappeared and my run legs settled under me. Breathing was good and it just felt so good to move after a week's rest. It was warm and windy, but running the Three Bridges Run was awesome! It was the first time I've run it instead of cycling it and it was fine! I got back to our start point, stretched with the group, then headed for quiet, solo CWT in the river. It was a nice end to the first of what will be an interesting journey. I was head-achy when I got home, but coffee and Tylenol have solved that and my energy is coming back a little, but I'm still dragging butt. I think part of it is viral and the other part is emotional. Lots going on in my head!

Having started checking out running blogs, I came across the mention of a number of Disney runs. I have to admit that a great big part of me wants to do both the Tinkerbell 1/2 (or 10K) and the Princess 1/2. How demented am I to want to run with wings or some princess get-up. I dislike all the stuff that Disney represents in terms of objectification of women, yet running is so counter intuitive. Women conquered the prejudice against women running distance nearly 40 years ago, so taking back some of the whimsy and fun also seems like a great idea. Part of me still wants to play pretend and my darling daughter just isn't there, yet. My need for escape (wings, etc.) is growing rather than diminishing. Lately my dreams (and daydreams) are all about running away from everything. It feels like everything is confining me. Work, kids, husband, family, pets, community.... I want it all to go away. I pretty much have the life I was building towards (except I live in a crappy house, in a crappy neighbourhood with big ugly motorhome and a ton of trash in the carport). Gratitude is hard to come by at the moment,except for my kids. It's a struggle to come home at the end of the day. I've been using work and working out as my reason to delay as long as possible, but that's only going to work until the end of the school year. At that point, I could be completely screwed because I'll have a whole summer with house, husband and kids and nothing else to do. I better figure this shit out quickly or I'm going to snap over the summer.

Unfortunately, Tinker Bell's pixie dust isn't going to let me fly away to Neverland.