Finished

It is officially done. I have completed all but the most minor of assignments (two video reviews) for my Masters degree. It has been a strange week. I have been emotionally all over the map. I don't know what to do with myself. There are no critical deadlines hanging over my head. (Aside from work responsibilities.) It's like I've been let off a leash and I'm so trained to do a certain thing that I don't consider what my freedoms are. Colleagues and friends who have done this before me assure me this will pass fairly quickly. It reminds me of one of my favourite picture books - Grasper by Paul Owen. Grasper is a small crab who upon moulting for the first time escapes his small world and discover the wide world where he meets a mentor (a much larger crab) who tells him that he must have a soft heart to grow big - that it's dangerous, but he won't grow otherwise. I feel open and like I've shed my shell and I'm a little tingly at the possibilities. Today as I looked through Goodreads and tried to catch up on listing the books I've read, I came across a workshop run by Gail Dargatz-Anderson - one of my favourite authors - for this May. It's all about writing a novel....maybe it's time :) Having her as a mentor would be amazing.

Two weeks and I'll be finished. So much work to do. So much confusion in my heart. It's like I'm deliberately trying to avoid completing the degree. I need to focus, but here I sit blogging. It's hard to breathe. My heart keeps racing and I keep re-reading the same thing.

I will put everything on hold for the next 16 days and just grind this out. I must finish to have all the options open to me that I've worked so hard for. I deserve that. I learned long ago how to compartmentalize, no matter how stupidly I may try to self-sabotage. My heart and all the other things going on in my life will still be here when I'm done.

I've put what I wanted out to the universe. Now I must see what unfolds.

Compassion. Love. Self-forgiveness. Patience. Reality.

What exists is in front of me. Finish the work.

Circles and circles

I had the pleasure of being in the company of some very wise women yesterday, planning an event that I want to succeed on so many levels. In sharing stories at the table, I was reminded of how many times things in my life have circled around to be revisited. Friendship with women has been one of the great challenges in my life. I have never found it easy, until I was able to let go of some of the expectations I have of people and try to remember that I need to be a better friend to have good friends.
Despite that recollection in one part of my life, I found myself doing something yesterday that I had learned long ago was counterproductive. I was sharing information about myself. Too much. Talking too much - again. Still. Rather than standing silent and letting the moment be, I had to jump in and share details. I don't learn anything about anyone else if my mouth is open. 
End result - no sleep. (That and a late afternoon coffee.)

While I was lying there, listening to the friendly, next-door-neighbour dog barking through the night and the usual level of snoring, it came to me that perhaps I'm being played like a fish. Line is reeled in, then rest, reeled in, then rest.  Middle of the night analogies are always a dangerous thing. Lack of sleep does not aid logical, analytical thinking processes. Perhaps it's just worry about Mark heading off with the kids. It feels so strange. At the same time, I'm so looking forward to the visit on the Island. Gee, mommy guilt and anticipation of freedom. There's a new pairing.... she says very sarcastically. The circle is coming around again. Changes, changes, changes,

Universe?

Just when I had given myself the gift of letting a personal "drama" go, something happens to flare it up. Costume in imagination, flirting and my stupid heart just sucking it up. It's only how I'm perceiving it. I am fine in my life , alone or not. I am beautiful and smart and talented. I'm a good woman and a good mother. I can be without a partner and have a very full life. There are so many adventures still to have, including my upcoming solo trip to the island! Head clear and gratitude for health, friends & family. Namaste.

Controlled chaos?

Yes, control is an illusion. Mark and the kids are at the other house. They're packing everything up so the house will be ready for new renters. My assignment work is pretty much done. It's time to gather everything up and go out and join them to finish the work.
Tomorrow will be a training day, so I'll come in early for a good run with my partner. Time to log some more serious km than we've been doing.
The chaos currently includes:

• two Masters courses
• getting house ready for renters
• work stuff (ramped up somewhat)
• 10 km/triathalon/trail running training
• parenting 
• personal stuff

If I could manage the pesonal stuff better, I would be way more efficient. I swear I'm self-sabotaging, but two years of self-sabotage doesn't seem reasonable. When I looked at the time and realized it was two years, I couldn't believe it.

I've put it out to the universe: send me the tools to resolve this or move past it. It can't keep going like this any more because the only person it's hurting is me.

Namaste.

A forced break

It's been a while since I've been sick and darn it if I didn't pick up my son's chest cold. It's brought training to screeching halt today & pretty much everything else too. It's given me time to snuggle with Catie, work on my vision board, do some course work & watch a chick flick. I didn't nap and the forced rest is making me a little stir crazy. I have come to rely on training to be my "me" time when I burn off stress. Oh well. Time to deeply reflect is important, too.

Well, here we go again. Tomorrow is the start of the 2013 part of the school year and my family will go back into its regular routines. I'm up to my eyeballs in my last two Master's degree courses. I have 3 more weeks of instruction with my grade 8 socials class and an action research project to complete as I try out a Project Based Learning exercise with them as we look at the European Renaissance. I've started training for snowshoe racing and my long-term training to run a half marathon. I will have a lot more data analysis on my plate as I begin organizing information around the School Improvement Plan. Oh yeah, and then there's the library.

My life is going to be very regimented for the next three and a half months. My main focus outside of work has to be on my Masters. The exercise regime helps me stay healthy and think clearly, but I will have to ensure I build it in carefully. I haven't ever done this before, but I'm going to build a daily calendar to lay out the work that needs to be done. I need to see clearly where my time is going to be spent. Less chaos right now and more structure, is going to keep me sane and happy.

More later. :)