Well, here we go again. Tomorrow is the start of the 2013 part of the school year and my family will go back into its regular routines. I'm up to my eyeballs in my last two Master's degree courses. I have 3 more weeks of instruction with my grade 8 socials class and an action research project to complete as I try out a Project Based Learning exercise with them as we look at the European Renaissance. I've started training for snowshoe racing and my long-term training to run a half marathon. I will have a lot more data analysis on my plate as I begin organizing information around the School Improvement Plan. Oh yeah, and then there's the library.

My life is going to be very regimented for the next three and a half months. My main focus outside of work has to be on my Masters. The exercise regime helps me stay healthy and think clearly, but I will have to ensure I build it in carefully. I haven't ever done this before, but I'm going to build a daily calendar to lay out the work that needs to be done. I need to see clearly where my time is going to be spent. Less chaos right now and more structure, is going to keep me sane and happy.

More later. :)

Is it possible to totally misread what you think is a personal breakthrough? When you have an "aha" moment, then second guess your interpretation? I wonder. The other day, I felt all "aha" about why I've been feeling so blue. It's not midlife crisis....well, yes it is, but beyond that,  I realized that the reason I've been particularly gobsmacked is that I (and here's where things get dicey) wasn't "pursued" by my significant other. I pretty much fell into his lap. He invited me to camp, we made out, we've been together since. We'd been friends (one he definitely did not want to go out with because of a long-standing policy about dating friends' exes) for nearly a year. He definitely didn't want to get married or have kids. Here he is, nearly 20 years later,  stuck with me and kids and career and mortgages and no freedom. His marriage proposal was to suggest we rent a hall. His engagement gift was an Ikea chair. OK, admittedly I asked for a chair. I wanted someplace to sit and read. He understands that when I read, I mentally disappear. I haven't been able to sit and read and mentally disappear for so long, I wonder how I keep my job as a teacher librarian.

So, aside for feeling sorry for myself and wanting a man to want me passionately and pursue me because I am the woman of his dreams and desires, I wonder if I'm just remembering selectively. I mean, he obviously married me. He didn't run away screaming. He could have high-tailed it at any point. He's a good guy. He's still here despite my significant mood swings of late. He loves our kids. He cooks. He cleans - sometimes. He uh-huhs occasionally when I talk to him about stuff. He looks after the kids while I go out and run or bike or whatever I need to do to stay physically active and sane.

I guess, I wonder if that's it. I sat with him through a really nice dinner and a hockey game. It was nice. We hugged & kissed a little. I kept wondering if I could go home & go to sleep or sneak out and find a good party somewhere. Weird extremes, huh? That's my head these days. I want some external validation that I'm beautiful and desireable. I want to be seduced. I want to be courted. I want someone else to clean the toilets. I want to go to an interesting movie or play or symphony and talk about it afterwards over a glass of wine or a cup of good coffee. I want to go dancing and feel sexy with someone on the dance floor.

I don't want to feel like I have to do things quietly. I don't want to walk into a room where everyone is watching a screen and could care less what anyone else in the room is doing. I don't want to go to "mindless land" for 48 weeks of the year and only live for 4 weeks in the summer. I actually want to have someone to live life with me instead of living through a TV or a computer. I'm trying to exist outside this screen. Hopefully, I'll be able to either convince my family to join me or I'll have to make changes, because I don't think I can live this way much longer.

Hugh Chevallier CC

Spring is coming and despite the horrendous situation politically for educators in British Columbia, (boo Christy Clark, George Abbott & BC Liberals) my mood is light and positive. I could smell the warming earth this morning & all I could think about was how good it would feel to get my hands into soil, plant some peas and pansies and go for a run tomorrow.

I'm so lucky! My health is good. My children are happy & healthy. The petty annoyances are just not worth sweating about right now. I'm even learning to enjoy doing dishes by hand again. (Time to meditate on things in peace because no one wants to help with dishes.) If we can survive the Liberal attack on our jobs, it should be a good spring & summer. I'm trying to put the long-term consequences out of my mind and focus on the immediate, but it's challenging. Breathe in, breathe out. Go for a run or a workout. Finish the paper that's due soon & finish the marking. Garden and remember that in the long run, it's relationships that make life worthwhile and remembering to laugh and celebrate what milestones you can!

Undertow, beaten down or flow?

The last 24 hours has felt overwhelming. Too much to take in, too much to do, just too....
Fortunately, I have wonderful friends and colleagues who remind me to look after myself. I will do that exact thing and try to regroup.

It's been such an amazing time in my life. The last 5 months have reminded me to live fully again. To rediscover the things that help me feel joy has been such a blessing. Rediscovery comes at a price, though. Things are not perfect. Change leads to friction when you are no longer the person you once were. The most surprising thing is to discover that the journey you thought you were on is headed in a different direction than you originally anticipated.

Now, I've had some pretty significant changes over my life. Pregnancy at 16 changes how you view your body, relationships and ultimately your sense of self. It was definitely a sense of drowning and the rising to the surface again - many years later. It took me so long to sort out who I was and that I didn't need to be with a partner to define my value. Once I realized that, I was able to meet someone very solid and compatable. At least, I thought I had done that. It's so weird to think that 19 years later, I still was totally living my life for someone else - again. I have to learn how to negotiate that balance of being myself and having things that are important to me while supporting someone I love.  The undertow is so tempting to float along with - it's easier - but it's time to swim.

Great music mix found on Stumbleupon

Broken heart, sex and marriage

Well, looking at my last blog post, clearly I'm not good at keeping writing promises. It's been nearly a year and a busy one at that. Catie finished her first year of public school with great success and has had a good start to grade one. Robbie is now in grade six and has begun trumpet lessons, curling. In the spring he explored tennis and swimming with some success. Curling and trumpet seem to be going well and he continues to learn how to get along with his peers (challenging) and be organized (even more challenging). Parenting continues to be something that I find incredibly difficult and rewarding. Robbie can push every button with me and I still have a long way to go in learning to be calm in responses to him. Choosing battles is so important. Unfortunately, he has so many of my traits and many of Mark's that don't necessarily blend well together. (A run-on mouth and stubborn  tendencies mixed with an ability to get along with adults and young children, but not necessarily his peers.) Catie, as she gets older, is beginning to explore the world with frightening consequences. She is wanting to defy us more frequently, but is still so incredibly sweet. As long as her health is good and if we can get her toilet trained....all will be well.

I ran for a nomination and became disillusioned with politics - internal party politics, that is. I applied for, and got a coordinator position at school (school improvement), but with job action, that has been compromised in many ways. I've got a new course to teach in February and I've started my Masters in Education Technology. When it's all written out, it looks somewhat frantic and insane and lately, I have begun to question my motivation for so many changes and responsibilities.

All of these things take me away from Mark and the kids. Why would I want to be away from that? In part, I think, because I'm lacking a basic sense of being needed by my partner. Since Mark began his new job, I realized a couple of things. One was that it didn't matter if I gave up things to be with him in the evening. He wouldn't notice because he was watching TV or interacting with Facebook. The other was more personal. Like most women, I crave being touched - hugged, kissed, having my arm stroked or my hair or my face. Even if I never get flowers (and I don't get them often), even if I don't get cool presents (and I really don't need any more technology right now) and even if I don't hear "I love you so much" (he shows me with actions, usually), being touched in a non-sexual way reminds me that I'm more than just mom -that I'm desireable and loved.

This being said, I will say to all the women who know my husband and tell me how lucky I am, that Mark is a great dad and a good friend to women. He has been a good friend to me, as well. I think that's why I feel so hurt now. I don't know how to mend the silence. He withdraws further and further and I do as well. Silence doesn't lend itself well to deep intimacy. Silences in marriage might work for men, ( thinking of the whole "Men are from Mars" thing) but they kill women. Maybe some women can ignore the silence and wait for the guy to come around again, but it's been so long, now, that my brain won't stop turning things over. Sleep is harder to come by. It's harder to be intimate. I want to let go of this, but I wonder if he really wants me any more.

Every marriage goes through low points, I'm told and I've read. The question I have is how does one make it revive. Must it always be the same person who tries to mend it? I want to reassure him that I love him and I hope that he loves me, too

 

New Year and New Decisions

One of the blogs I regularly follow is Dave Hinsburger's Rolling Around in My Head. He's a powerful speaker, writer and advocate for the disabled and hilariously funny, besides. Having read his blog this morning, I resolved to be more regular about posting to my own blog for various reasons. The first reason is that I need a venue for coming to better decisions.
One of the things that frequently crosses my mind as a bother is the frequent changes we make in our goals as a couple and family. Part of that is my need for change. We are about to change up our living situation again by renting one of our houses. Yes, houses. Until this fall, it wasn't a problem, but after our summer adventures, the financial situation became much tighter. For the first time as a mom, I'm truly giving up many things that I would consider important to my sense of well-being to ensure that our kids will have what we deem important. We've skimped on a bunch of things and stretched dollars more than we ever have.
Of course, I shouldn't complain. We both work in careers that pay us very well. We are well fed and clothed. We can cover our bills. We just aren't saving anything for emergencies. We also aren't well set up in terms of wills, RDSP's and trusts. My newest and most burning goal is to ensure that these things are in place by March. By June, I want to ensure that we have a regular savings account set up. Our children deserve this. I deserve this peace of mind. Everything else, well I'll blog on those things later.
If I can ensure the simple change of financial stability, then perhaps the other things will fall into line as well.

Happy New Year and blessings to you and yours.