Undertow, beaten down or flow?

The last 24 hours has felt overwhelming. Too much to take in, too much to do, just too....
Fortunately, I have wonderful friends and colleagues who remind me to look after myself. I will do that exact thing and try to regroup.

It's been such an amazing time in my life. The last 5 months have reminded me to live fully again. To rediscover the things that help me feel joy has been such a blessing. Rediscovery comes at a price, though. Things are not perfect. Change leads to friction when you are no longer the person you once were. The most surprising thing is to discover that the journey you thought you were on is headed in a different direction than you originally anticipated.

Now, I've had some pretty significant changes over my life. Pregnancy at 16 changes how you view your body, relationships and ultimately your sense of self. It was definitely a sense of drowning and the rising to the surface again - many years later. It took me so long to sort out who I was and that I didn't need to be with a partner to define my value. Once I realized that, I was able to meet someone very solid and compatable. At least, I thought I had done that. It's so weird to think that 19 years later, I still was totally living my life for someone else - again. I have to learn how to negotiate that balance of being myself and having things that are important to me while supporting someone I love.  The undertow is so tempting to float along with - it's easier - but it's time to swim.

Great music mix found on Stumbleupon

Broken heart, sex and marriage

Well, looking at my last blog post, clearly I'm not good at keeping writing promises. It's been nearly a year and a busy one at that. Catie finished her first year of public school with great success and has had a good start to grade one. Robbie is now in grade six and has begun trumpet lessons, curling. In the spring he explored tennis and swimming with some success. Curling and trumpet seem to be going well and he continues to learn how to get along with his peers (challenging) and be organized (even more challenging). Parenting continues to be something that I find incredibly difficult and rewarding. Robbie can push every button with me and I still have a long way to go in learning to be calm in responses to him. Choosing battles is so important. Unfortunately, he has so many of my traits and many of Mark's that don't necessarily blend well together. (A run-on mouth and stubborn  tendencies mixed with an ability to get along with adults and young children, but not necessarily his peers.) Catie, as she gets older, is beginning to explore the world with frightening consequences. She is wanting to defy us more frequently, but is still so incredibly sweet. As long as her health is good and if we can get her toilet trained....all will be well.

I ran for a nomination and became disillusioned with politics - internal party politics, that is. I applied for, and got a coordinator position at school (school improvement), but with job action, that has been compromised in many ways. I've got a new course to teach in February and I've started my Masters in Education Technology. When it's all written out, it looks somewhat frantic and insane and lately, I have begun to question my motivation for so many changes and responsibilities.

All of these things take me away from Mark and the kids. Why would I want to be away from that? In part, I think, because I'm lacking a basic sense of being needed by my partner. Since Mark began his new job, I realized a couple of things. One was that it didn't matter if I gave up things to be with him in the evening. He wouldn't notice because he was watching TV or interacting with Facebook. The other was more personal. Like most women, I crave being touched - hugged, kissed, having my arm stroked or my hair or my face. Even if I never get flowers (and I don't get them often), even if I don't get cool presents (and I really don't need any more technology right now) and even if I don't hear "I love you so much" (he shows me with actions, usually), being touched in a non-sexual way reminds me that I'm more than just mom -that I'm desireable and loved.

This being said, I will say to all the women who know my husband and tell me how lucky I am, that Mark is a great dad and a good friend to women. He has been a good friend to me, as well. I think that's why I feel so hurt now. I don't know how to mend the silence. He withdraws further and further and I do as well. Silence doesn't lend itself well to deep intimacy. Silences in marriage might work for men, ( thinking of the whole "Men are from Mars" thing) but they kill women. Maybe some women can ignore the silence and wait for the guy to come around again, but it's been so long, now, that my brain won't stop turning things over. Sleep is harder to come by. It's harder to be intimate. I want to let go of this, but I wonder if he really wants me any more.

Every marriage goes through low points, I'm told and I've read. The question I have is how does one make it revive. Must it always be the same person who tries to mend it? I want to reassure him that I love him and I hope that he loves me, too

 

New Year and New Decisions

One of the blogs I regularly follow is Dave Hinsburger's Rolling Around in My Head. He's a powerful speaker, writer and advocate for the disabled and hilariously funny, besides. Having read his blog this morning, I resolved to be more regular about posting to my own blog for various reasons. The first reason is that I need a venue for coming to better decisions.
One of the things that frequently crosses my mind as a bother is the frequent changes we make in our goals as a couple and family. Part of that is my need for change. We are about to change up our living situation again by renting one of our houses. Yes, houses. Until this fall, it wasn't a problem, but after our summer adventures, the financial situation became much tighter. For the first time as a mom, I'm truly giving up many things that I would consider important to my sense of well-being to ensure that our kids will have what we deem important. We've skimped on a bunch of things and stretched dollars more than we ever have.
Of course, I shouldn't complain. We both work in careers that pay us very well. We are well fed and clothed. We can cover our bills. We just aren't saving anything for emergencies. We also aren't well set up in terms of wills, RDSP's and trusts. My newest and most burning goal is to ensure that these things are in place by March. By June, I want to ensure that we have a regular savings account set up. Our children deserve this. I deserve this peace of mind. Everything else, well I'll blog on those things later.
If I can ensure the simple change of financial stability, then perhaps the other things will fall into line as well.

Happy New Year and blessings to you and yours.

Seeking WiFi

Blogging on the road is less easy than I thought. Finding good Wi Fi signals and finding time at the end of the day when the kids are asleep is challenging. hen last posted we were in Oregon (I think). Since Oregon, we've enjoyed beautiful coastlines and really good state parks. I really liked Oregon (the outlet shopping in Lincoln City was good, although it took us a while to find a camping spot. The Redwoods of California are truly awe inspiring and probably my favourite thing on the trip so far. We camped in Arcata again and got to really explore the town - quite cool. We found a little organic ice cream shop and I had Vanilla, honey & lavendar ice cream, which I really liked. San Francisco was soo wonderful, but we didn't have time to explore. The game at AT&T Park was the focus and a quick visit to Fisherman's Wharf. We hadn't planned to visit SF at all on this trip, so the small taste is incentive to come back and really explore! Poor Catie over ate carmel corn at the game and was sick at dinner, but was back to her sweet self the next morning when she was ravenous. We did a major drive yesterday and saw a couple of missions - San Miguel (and the old adobe site Rios Cordega (sp)) and San Luis Obispo (major tourist site and disappointing). The temperature in the motorhome was definitely high for the first time on the trip (well into the mid to upper 30's). We stopped in Paso de Robles for a swim and then headed for Pismo Beach to find, to my delight, the temperature at the ocean was a lovely twenty degrees, thanks to fog. We watched pelicans diving for sardines and surfers taking on small swells while walking on the pier. It was a terrific end to the day. We even saw our first wild lizards at the old Adobe. We've seen lots of deer and jack rabbits and the wine country of Napa Valley is incredibly lovely. The drive we did over the mountains to get to camping at Clear Lake was completely hairy, but we managed it at the end of a long day. More later... time to get on the road.

Road Trip 09 Entry#1

Sunday - August 2/09

Left at 5 am from Kamloops. The day was already warm at 22 degrees and it was bright and clear, if smoky. The kids were excited and the first part of the trip was old hat. Stopped for coffee and gas in Merritt, and an exercise break in Chilliwack, where Mark discovered our first forgotten thing - the discharge hose. Crossing the border at Sumas was easy and Robbie was incredibly excited to be in the US again. We stopped in Linden to get American cash and groceries, then Bellingham for a new hose. We drove on and headed for Deception Pass and Whidby Island. Both were incredibly beautiful. The Pass bridge has an amazing view and the drive was twisty and through field and forest. Reminded us a lot of Vancouver Island! We camped for the night at a lovely campsite (first-come, first serve) at Keystone Harbour - Part of Fort Casey. We hit the sand beach for some good play time, then explored the rock beaches on the pass side of the island. There were warnings about seals and sea lions, but Robbie only found translucent jelly fish and a good sized, dead spider crab. After dinner we explored the gun batteries of the Fort which was built in the late 1800’s and used mostly during World War I. Two twelve inch guns still remain and the batteries are great for climbing around. Robbie and a group of boys & girls his age had a marvelous time. Best of all was the cool temperature and we met a nice couple (parents of the boys) from Washington (Cheryl and Walt). Early to bed to get on the ferry booked for 4:45 am.

Monday - August 3/09

Robbie was rustling around early, so we were awake from 3:30 on. Headed around the corner to the ferry terminal to discover that Mark had booked us on the Port Townsend Ferry (the other side). We were first in line, though, so it didn’t matter. We hadn’t been in line 10 minutes when we were told the ferry wouldn’t be running as it had sucked up a rope. Change of plans meant driving down to catch the ferry to Mukiltsa (sp). We made the ferry easily, but it meant driving through Seattle instead of down the other side of the Sound. Traffic wasn’t too bad at 6:30 am and because Catie fell asleep (so did Robbie), we decided to pass right through before stopping. We only made one wrong turn, which only lasted a couple of minutes. We headed through to Federal Way where we stopped for breakfast at a Denny’s after a fruitless search for an IHOP. The guys headed over to the next door WalMart to get Robbie a stylus for his DS and we headed off on the road again.

Mark picked up a cell phone and a GPS unit at Walmart, so we spent a good portion of the drive trying to figure out how to operate the GPS and set it to take us to Astoria. We took a break at a State Park called Millersylvania and saw lovely white ducks in a pond, then while Mark emptied the tanks, we wandered down a forest path to find the largest tree we’ve seen on the trip so far. Catie wanted to be carried everywhere and was complaining that her back hurt. I was glad to see Mark again because after 10 minutes the kids were complaining and tired of walking – sad, but true. I could have happily explored more. We stopped for lunch at Port Longview. We shopped at Safeway, then headed over to a nice park we had seen coming into town. The kids were able to play for a while before and after lunch, then we set off again, knowing that Catie would be asleep fairly soon. We crossed a large bridge over the Columbia, then headed up into the hills overlooking the valley. We stopped at Bradley lookout briefly and continued on to historic Astoria. It was tempting to stop and explore right away, but we needed to get set up for the night. We got directions at Visitor Information and headed across the bay to Fort Stephens. This State Park has over 500 spots and so we were able to get a single night spot without a reservation. Our job tomorrow morning will be to decide where we want to camp on Tuesday and book in advance.

After a rest, we walked down to Coffinbury Lake and Robbie had a brief swim – too cold. Dinner and an early bed time were in order after a long day.

Tuesday, August 4: Catie’s birthday

Surprisingly, Mark and I were awake first at 5 am. Catie and Robbie slept until 6. Marine cloud was blanketing the area, keeping it cool and grey. We went to the beach first and visited the wreck of the Peter Iredale. It was our first glimpse of rollers and open Oregon beach – incredibly beautiful and mysterious. The kids loved the sand and would have stayed much longer, but the road beckoned. We drove back over to Astoria and visited the column, then headed to Safeway for coffee and free wifi. Next, we headed off for Seaside and points beyond. Our next real stop came at 11:30 when we pulled over in a parking lot in Seaside to eat lunch. The kids were crabby and needed a break. On again to Ecola State Park and a view of the first islands in the trip. The view of the beaches and Tillamook Rock were spectacular. The drive into and out of the park was a little hairy – narrow, winding and around blind corners, but well worth it.

We stopped briefly at another viewpoint outside Manzanita, but carried on to Tillamook and the Cheese Factory. Needless to say, cheese, ice cream and fudge were a huge hit with everyone at that point in the day. Back on the road again to see Cape Meares Lighthouse. We arrived too late to go into the gift shop/lighthouse, but the views were spectacular. Catie was asleep, so we took turns going to the lookouts. Robbie's favourite thing was the Octopus tree - a giant Sitka spruce with many trunks. We backtracked to Tillamook hoping to find a crab dinner, but ended up going all the way to Pacific City. This resort community is right next to Cape Kiwanda, a beautiful sandstone outcropping with a huge dune next to it and a large rock off the beach. This is also home to a huge dory fleet. We saw a couple of them coming in off the beach where they launch and return. This is one of many beaches where vehicles drive on and off. Dinner was at a well-advertised (and worth it) brew pub/restaurant called Pelican Cove. Mark and I each had a pint (his choice-Scottish Ale, mine - Tsunami Stout) and we all had fish and chips or crab cakes - no fresh crab unfortunately. It was 7 o'clock at this point (Catie fell asleep at 4 and slept through dinner) and time to find a place for the night - a little more challenging than anticipated. We hunted all through Lincoln City, but no luck. We ended up almost at Depoe Bay and headed up the Siletz River to an RV park called Coyote Rock. Electricity, wifi and water are all we needed. Tomorrow is laundry day in Lincoln City and "blow your own glass float" before moving on. We'll be up later than usual, because it will take Catie a while to fall asleep!

Just when you think...

Catie is in hospital with pneumonia. This isn't the first overnight visit for chest congestion issues, but certainly the most serious, besides her heart surgery. Exhaustion doesn't begin to describe how tired we feel, but mostly the concern is for our poor little mouse. Her oxygen levels are so low naturally because she just doesn't breathe deeply, so when the hospital staff see her numbers they never quite believe it.  Emergency staff kept thinking there was something wrong with their monitor and didn't prescribe oxygen for her simply because she "looked" fine.  It's always a battle to get people to believe what you know about your own child.