Detachment with Love

Letting go of expectations and assumptions is tough. I'm in the midst of probably the most difficult personal work I've ever done. I'm trying to determine what my core needs are, live in the present and not attach any outcomes. I've prayed for the way to be made obvious to me and I'm trusting the Divine to lead me to the best life of purpose for making the world a better place.

I read today that fear indicates that you're getting close to truth. I'm certainly more aware of fear and of my emotional states than I've ever been before. I'm struggling with relationships of all kinds because I'm trying to learn why I get triggered by certain things and I'm also trying to truly love myself and be generous with myself. I've come to realize that not only am I incredibly hard on myself, I learned early on in childhood that I had to earn love. It wasn't automatic. It was dependent on behaviour. It was dependent on how entertaining I was and how well-behaved I was and how smart I was and how attractive I was. It was also very dependent on how compliant I was. The more challenging I was with my mother, the less affection I received. This is true of my father, too, although that changed somewhat when I became older.

What I'm trying to learn now is why I believe I'm not ok unless I'm in a relationship. I also have to figure out why I need attention from someone significant in my life. Why I need to be emotionally engaged with someone. I don't think I'm emotionally unavailable, but apparently this is the type of person I seem to attract. If relationships are reflections, then when and how am I emotionally unavailable. Is my fear of being rejected keeping me from sharing the truth of my self and even what I desire from those I am in relationship with. Even writing that makes my eyes well up with tears. What am I afraid of? Rejection? I get plenty of that? Someone being too close and then rejecting me? I've lived through that, too. I survived. It took a long time to heal, but I was able to move on. I even think I finally was able to forgive myself and the people who hurt me.

My 2016 intention is to heal and come to peace with my shadow, to be honest and vulnerable with my loves. and to live a big, juicy life!