Love and Friendship and Death

Death is on my mind. A lot. I have been battling with mild depression and stress for the last couple of months. Two weeks ago, I arrived home and sat in the driveway thinking about suicide. I only thought about it briefly before dismissing it, but it startled me. The other thing pushing my thinking is the scare that woke me in the middle of the night last week. A solid pain in my chest woke me. I lay there wondering.....is it indigestion? A lung thing? Heart troubles? Menopause hormones? I waited to see if it got worse or better. It didn't really seem to do anything. It wasn't in my shoulders or neck or jaw or arm, so I lay there and let it gnaw at me for a while and slowly drifted back to sleep. It continues to bother me off and on, but as long as I'm not short of breath, more tired than usual and it isn't in my shoulders or arms, then I'm going to dismiss it as minor.

Death is frequently a topic of presentations and comments of a couple of friends who are solidly into personal health and development. Life is short - live big. What if you knew you were going to die on Friday? What would you do?  These thoughts and more pepper their presentations and discussions. They're not wrong and yet I find myself continuing to procrastinate and stay in holding patterns. I also want to go with Tosha Silver's advice that things have a way of presenting themself to you at exactly the right time. God (Spirit, the Universe, what have you...) has a plan. Do I believe in pre-destination? Not so sure on that one.

This morning on the drive to daycare, I found myself wondering about reincarnation, past lives and whether I believe that people are meant to meet again and again. What do you do when you meet someone with whom you have a deep, emotional/intellectual connection and yet life circumstances thwart that connection? Do you wait for the next time around - if there's a next time around? How do you love completely in the present moment. Better yet, how do you detach from connection so that you can love deeply without being attached to outcomes?

Loving someone and letting them go to be happy without you as espoused by the Buddhist monk, Thich Nhat Hahn, is much more difficult in reality than in theory. Loving people in the here and now is messy and difficult. I have such big questions and no answers - just process. Is it any wonder my head hurts and my chest hurts?  Is it any wonder that I think about death so much, now?

So, today I am grateful to be alive. I am grateful for soft summer air and rain. I am grateful for the music played by my son and my daughter's chattering voice in the car. I am grateful for my health and my body. I am grateful for the money provided by my work. I am grateful for my friends and my family. And I am grateful for the reminder that time is short to love and do the things we need to do on this tiny planet.