Puzzle pieces or just puzzling?

38/365 Puzzled by Mykl Roventine from Flickr 2009 CC Attribution

Relationships are confusing. I have been working hard to know myself better - to discover what is truly me and not a reflection of my parents, my previous relationships or my current one. I have met wonderful new people over the last two years and unsurprisingly in a period of change, I have been attracted to some amazing men and felt that attraction returned or even had someone desire me when I felt nothing but collegial respect in return. What brings this up and has me writing is a recent recognition that all attractions have an element of mirroring, but also a deep sense of puzzlement about how people handle attraction.
I have had a deep crush on someone for a number of years. I recognize that he is in a relationship and that while he may feel a fleeting attraction, his focus is entirely on his current, passionate relationship. It ended his first marriage, so I get that his head and his heart are full. In all honesty, I really don't know him as a friend, only as a colleague, so I know this is just a crush based on things I've observed. I'm surprised it's gone on as long as it has, but there's just.....something.

There's also a charming man unlike any other men I've known. He's not a social justice guy - in fact he's the opposite. He's about making money and entrepreneurship. He enjoys risk taking and he's funny, cynical and there's an edge to him. We both recognize an attraction and while he's hinted at an affair, I don't think he wants to jeopardize his own marriage. I would enjoy working with him and I'm attracted to his courage to take risks in business and his different way of thinking. He's fun and I've been trying to relax and have more fun.

What has been particularly puzzling is a recent connection that I'm not sure what to do with. After a couple of years of being friends on Facebook for a work-related project, I finally got to meet someone I would have described as a friendly acquaintance. We had talked on the phone a couple of times and were looking forward to meeting in person. Once that had happened, it felt like we had been friends for a long time. Over drinks on the night before I headed for home, we talked about relationships and marriage and the stuggle it can be sometimes. His marriage sounded solid and amazing. We headed off to our own rooms with a hug and a peck of a kiss, and it was the way he headed off that I realized that perhaps there was something more to this The morning good-bye confirmed that yes, he felt something, but didn't want to jeopardize friendship with "complications." I was enjoying his company and the friendship and to this moment I'm still a little puzzled. I don't think I was flirting. I was just being myself. I hadn't put the two of us together in my head at all until he said good-night. Even then, I just thought my radar was just off track. I've gone over that evening in my head since and wondered if he thought I was trying to seduce him?  I don't know. Either way, I guess I should be grateful for a warm, friendly connection. It's always wonderful to be found appealing and to meet someone you think you share common values and interests with.

The lesson I'm left with right now is how much I'd just like some time to figure out my own needs. I want to feel confident in my capabilities and secure in my own skin (person #1), I want to be brave and savvy and have fun in my adventures. (person #2) and finally, I want to make the world a better, peaceful place. (person #3) The way to do these things, though is by bringing my self and my own gifts to the world. It's more than that though and that's the real  puzzle for me. Why am I not satisfied in the relationship I have? What am I not bringing of myself to this relationship. (Even as I wrote that, I got a lump in my throat and felt like I wanted to cry.) It's a puzzle with some missing pieces and unfortunately, I know the pieces are mine - not his.