Well, looking at my last blog post, clearly I'm not good at keeping writing promises. It's been nearly a year and a busy one at that. Catie finished her first year of public school with great success and has had a good start to grade one. Robbie is now in grade six and has begun trumpet lessons, curling. In the spring he explored tennis and swimming with some success. Curling and trumpet seem to be going well and he continues to learn how to get along with his peers (challenging) and be organized (even more challenging). Parenting continues to be something that I find incredibly difficult and rewarding. Robbie can push every button with me and I still have a long way to go in learning to be calm in responses to him. Choosing battles is so important. Unfortunately, he has so many of my traits and many of Mark's that don't necessarily blend well together. (A run-on mouth and stubborn tendencies mixed with an ability to get along with adults and young children, but not necessarily his peers.) Catie, as she gets older, is beginning to explore the world with frightening consequences. She is wanting to defy us more frequently, but is still so incredibly sweet. As long as her health is good and if we can get her toilet trained....all will be well.
I ran for a nomination and became disillusioned with politics - internal party politics, that is. I applied for, and got a coordinator position at school (school improvement), but with job action, that has been compromised in many ways. I've got a new course to teach in February and I've started my Masters in Education Technology. When it's all written out, it looks somewhat frantic and insane and lately, I have begun to question my motivation for so many changes and responsibilities.
All of these things take me away from Mark and the kids. Why would I want to be away from that? In part, I think, because I'm lacking a basic sense of being needed by my partner. Since Mark began his new job, I realized a couple of things. One was that it didn't matter if I gave up things to be with him in the evening. He wouldn't notice because he was watching TV or interacting with Facebook. The other was more personal. Like most women, I crave being touched - hugged, kissed, having my arm stroked or my hair or my face. Even if I never get flowers (and I don't get them often), even if I don't get cool presents (and I really don't need any more technology right now) and even if I don't hear "I love you so much" (he shows me with actions, usually), being touched in a non-sexual way reminds me that I'm more than just mom -that I'm desireable and loved.
This being said, I will say to all the women who know my husband and tell me how lucky I am, that Mark is a great dad and a good friend to women. He has been a good friend to me, as well. I think that's why I feel so hurt now. I don't know how to mend the silence. He withdraws further and further and I do as well. Silence doesn't lend itself well to deep intimacy. Silences in marriage might work for men, ( thinking of the whole "Men are from Mars" thing) but they kill women. Maybe some women can ignore the silence and wait for the guy to come around again, but it's been so long, now, that my brain won't stop turning things over. Sleep is harder to come by. It's harder to be intimate. I want to let go of this, but I wonder if he really wants me any more.
Every marriage goes through low points, I'm told and I've read. The question I have is how does one make it revive. Must it always be the same person who tries to mend it? I want to reassure him that I love him and I hope that he loves me, too
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